Greetings, esteemed connoisseurs:

The Harvard College Wine Society is opening its application for another semester of bourgeois fun. Please complete the following application by September 14 at 11:59pm. 

NOTE: While some of you may consider wine consumption fundamental your college experience, unfortunately, like many other organizations, our capacity is limited. To maximize your chances of acceptance, note that we admit applicants based on enthusiasm, size of wine cellar at home, and yearly trips to Napa Valley. 

New York City, NY—The Prophet Elijah, a beloved traditional figure of the Jewish holiday of Passover and herald of the Messiah, reportedly had a little too much Manischewitz wine this Passover season, according to reports of Jewish families all over the United States and (to a lesser degree) Canada.

In a Satire V-NBC poll, the most common response to the question, “How would you describe the Prophet Elijah this year?” was “shwasted”. In contrast, in last year’s poll “serene” and “magnificent” tied for first place.