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Satire V Style: Fascism All the Rage

NEW YORK, NY -- From Paris to London to New York, fascism has taken the world by storm once more.
 
It's a surprise comeback for the form of right-wing authoritarianism. Many naysayers claimed fascism was gone forever. But I'm here to say that, despite huge unpopularity after World War Two, fascism is back, baby.
 

Trump Resigns After Winning Joke Campaign; Sietse Goffard Appointed VP

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."

Trump Introduces Glass Ceiling Reinforcement Project, Creates Thousands of Jobs for White Men

NEW YORK, NY--In his first concrete policy proposal, president-elect Donald Trump has outlined a plan to rebuild America’s crumbling infrastructure, starting with repairing and reinforcing the glass ceiling that bars women and minorities from advancing in their professions. Trump hopes this plan will create hundreds of thousands of jobs for white, Christian men across the United States.

 

Obama Not Mad at Nation, Just Disappointed

WASHINGTON -- As President Barack Obama prepares to hand off the presidency to businessman and birther conspiracy theorist Donald Trump, he sternly told the nation today that he's "not mad, just disappointed."
 
"Look, when I said my legacy was on the line in this election, I meant it," said Obama. "I didn't think you'd take this big of a shit on it, but now that you have, I want to let you know that I am capable of forgiveness." 
 

Making This Easy Ethical Choice Is Really Hard For Me, Okay?

A few weeks ago, a video was released in which Donald Trump, our party’s nominee, boasts about sexually assaulting women.  I was and remain appalled by his words, and I have announced that I will no longer be campaigning on his behalf.  Some of my critics have pointed out, however, that I have not withdrawn my endorsement from the Trump campaign, and they have accused me of putting my career before a moral obligation to keep a sexual predator out of the White House.  To them, I have only this to say: Back off, okay? I’m in a really tough spot right now.

 

Megyn Kelly Develops Altitude Sickness from Moral High Ground

8,000 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL - Following an intense exchange Tuesday night with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich over allegations of sexual assault on the part of Donald Trump, Fox News host Megyn Kelly has reportedly developed altitude sickness from her newfound moral high ground. 

List of Things in Better Shape than the GOP

After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:

Donald Trump is a Fat Lazy Slob And I am NOT

Recently, reports indicate that presidential candidate Donald Trump’s weight and height place him into the “obese” category of the BMI scale. What a fat, lazy slob! Clearly this is just another piece of evidence that he is unfit to lead our nation, given that he is unfit, period. Trump’s BMI calculates out to 30.3, placing him just above the mark for obese, at 6’2” tall and, uh, 236 pounds…? Wait, I’m 240 pounds. Holy shit am I…? No….
 
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Last Surviving Band of Principled Republicans Faces Off Against Horde of Trump Supporters

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
 
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
 

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