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Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

GOP Healthcare Plan Subsidizes Knives to Stab High-Risk Patients to Death

WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
 
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
 

Inspired By Past 8 Years of GOP Obstruction, Freshman Creates Republican-Only Blocking Group

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As Housing Day approaches, freshmen commonly find themselves struggling to form blocking groups. Not so for Geoffrey Dunkirk ’20, dedicated member of the Harvard College Republicans. In a decision “easier than categorically voting no on a Dem-sponsored bill,” Dunkirk chose to block with seven other like-minded College Republicans on Sunday.

List of Things in Better Shape than the GOP

After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:

LEAKED: Other Things the Yale Republicans Endorse

NEW HAVEN, CT -- After the Yale College Republicans endorsed GOP nominee Donald Trump for President today, Satire V obtained an exclusive list of other things the Yale Republicans endorse. Here is just a small sample from that list:

"Other" Surges In Polls After Defeating Jim Gilmore In Iowa Caucus

CONCORD, NH -- While Marco Rubio's impressive third-place finish has received most of the attention following Monday's Iowa Republican Caucus, an outsider candidate known as "Other" is gaining increasing visibility and nationwide support after outpolling Jim Gilmore in the caucus, with 119 votes to the former Virginia governor's 12.
 

LEAKED: Paul Ryan's List of Conditions for Speaker of the House Position

WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.

Obstructionist, Far-Right Congressmen Announce Plans to Unite Party, Congress, Nation

WASHINGTON, DC-- In front of a throng of reporters today on Capitol Hill, a small group of obstructionist, far-right congressmen announced their plans to overcome partisan gridlock and national political disillusionment by working together to alienate the GOP, Congress, and the nation.
 
The press conference came after House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) withdrew from the race to replace House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who plans to resign at the end of October.