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British Cabinet on Verge of Collapse

LONDON – The British Cabinet, constructed by Prime Minister Theresa May, is now on the verge of collapse.

According to reports the May Cabinet, which had been propped up by the work of many different ministers and advisers, has serious structural issues. "Well first of all, it was built on an shoddy, unelected foundation," said architect Nigel Harrington. "But even though they've since added a democratic upgrade to the structure, I'm still wondering why the thing was built in the first place."

Labor Chants That Are Also HUDS Puns

You want cake batter, treat us like we matter!

We cook your food, we make your meals, we just want a honey-graham-square deal!

No justice, no peas!

Low wages means no potato wedges!

If you want the buns, then cough up the dough!

You put us in a pickle, now make us a dill!

Strogaknock this off!

Sunflower butter doesn't make this better!

You want celery? We want salary! 

What's leafy, green, and good for you? Dollar bills and paychecks, too!

Your curly fries ain't curling when you strike with signs a-twirling. 

Low-Hanging Fruit: Crimson Staff Writer Comes up with Perfect Berry Pun for Brain Break Article

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Last night, at approximately 1:30 AM EST, Billy P. Yates ’19 was frantically searching for the cherry of a headline to top off his Brain Break article. Thrilled to report on the seedy UC berry debate, his Adam’s apple quivered as he struggled to pick a sweet berry pun. 
 
"This is the last straw," the writer rasped. "I'd fight for this newspaper till I was black and blue, but trying to find a pun is boysening the article.”
 

Area Bagel Looking for Breadstick

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

Presidential Race Swallows Christie Campaign Whole

TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie suspended his presidential campaign today after a poor performance in the New Hampshire GOP primary. At a press conference this afternoon, Christie admitted that the state had taken a big bite out of his campaign budget, and that he could not afford to continue.
 

Area Bagel Feels Life Isn’t Whole

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- With the rise in popularity of gluten-free products, many baked goods are struggling to maintain a positive self-image—and a local plain bagel is no exception. Although relatively successful in cafeterias and continental breakfasts everywhere, she has had a long history with low self-esteem, and in recent years this has only gotten worse.