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Federer, Nadal Play Historic Final for the Aged

MELBOURNE - For the first time in years, the two best men’s tennis players of all time battled it out in a final: Roger Federer defeated Rafael Nadal at the Old Timers’ 30-and-up USTA 5.0 Circuit Championship.

Planet Earth Passes Away After Benevolently Hosting Life for 3.8 Billion Years

This past Friday, it was announced that, following a long battle against humanity, Planet Earth has finally passed away.
 
Born and raised in the Solar System, the son of the Sun, the Earth was a lifelong fan of nature, National Geographic documentaries, and progressive carbon taxes. Sources close to the Earth say that, in recent years, the Earth felt that it was "just going in circles," and had become resigned to its eventual death.
 

What’s the Point of Having a Sun If It’s Just Gonna Fucking Set at 4pm?

Let me paint you a picture. I’m going for my bi-monthly afternoon jog when suddenly, it’s pitch black. I’m disoriented, and I accidentally run off the road into a rose bush. I’m stuck there for three hours. All because the sun decided it was "cool" to set before dinnertime. Why the fuck do we even have a sun if it’s just gonna drop like a sack of potatoes at 4pm?

Pope Francis Names 17 New Cardinals…And Two Pigeons

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis recently had the honor of naming 17 beautiful cardinals and two honorary mediocre-looking pigeons in a deeply sentimental naming ceremony this past weekend.

The red cardinals migrated nearly 4,000 miles to greet the Pope at his residency in Vatican City. The Pope was reportedly standing on his balcony, gazing majestically off into the distance when he heard the beautiful song of “twittle twittle, twee twoo tee tee” and whipped out his professional bird-watching binoculars in pure excitement.

Germany Slightly Amused They Represent Last Best Hope Against Rise of Fascism

BERLIN – As Donald Trump ascends to the American presidency and a right-wing populist wave engulfs much of western Europe, it appears that Germany represents the last best hope against the renewed rise of fascism. According to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the Germans find this “only slightly amusing. Only slightly.”

95 WTF Things About the Catholic Church You Won’t BELIEVE Are True

Martin Luther

Fight me

Tweet @WitfromWittenberg or email mluther@wittenburg.edu

God Bless 

 

 

 

1. So you know indulgences right?

British Government to Decide On All Future Policies By “Settling It Outside”

LONDON, UK,…EU?—After a chaotic week in which UK Independence Party MEP and leadership candidate Steven Woolfe was checked into a hospital following an “altercation” at a party meeting, the British government has announced that it will no longer vote on policy decisions, and will instead resolve such issues by “settling it outside”.
 

God Admits This Universe Was the Control Group

God wearing goggles

THE HEAVENS — Addressing thousands of years of inquiries into the meaning of life and the existence of a higher power, God revealed on Monday that this universe is the control group in a long-term field experiment testing how well humans fare sans Divine Intervention.

Runner Who “Set The Olympic Stadium On Fire” Arrested For Arson

RIO DE JANIERO, BRAZIL — As the Olympics continue, spectators are heralding the decision to apprehend British distance runner Mo Farah after it was alleged by commentators that he “set the Olympic stadium on fire” during his performance.

Concerns were initially aroused after Farah was clocked at four minutes and three seconds for the last mile of the 10,000 meters final, provoking terrified screams from spectators, but it was only once commentators directly accused him of arson that the authorities became involved.

British People Topple Establishment, Own Economic Futures

LONDON, UK -- After a historic day in British politics of massive voter turnout and a decisive victory for the "Vote Leave" campaign, the United Kingdom will no longer be a member of the European Union. Many citizens are hailing the decision as a turning point for the British people in a struggle against oppressive and undemocratic Euro-centric politics, while some so-called "experts" are describing the momentous vote as having "triggered the largest single-day crash in the history of the pound."

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