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Poland: “It’s my time to shine”

The big day is finally here. Poland, who could hardly sleep last night from excitement, woke up early this morning, made itself its own breakfast of Cheerios (though adding banana proved too complicated) and was dressed and ready well before the bus was set to arrive. The occasion? The first stages of a Crimean conflict of course.

“This time I’m going to make the EU so proud of me,” boasted a gleaming Poland as it double-knotted its shoes and made sure to put on extra sunscreen. “It’s my time to shine.”

Extreme Outdoor Inuit Tribe Secures Sponsor for 5,038th Season

Northeast Greenland –-- As the Oodaq tribe prepares for another year of existence, the corporate world takes notice.
 

Israeli Government Shuts Down 'Revenge Prawn' Website

Taking a cue from US action against 'revenge porn' websites, which allow people to post explicit pictures of their former partners without their permission, the Israeli government shut down a notorious 'revenge prawn' website, www.shellfishbitch.com
 

Pakistan to Sell Nuclear Weapons on Craigslist

Experts have alleged that the photographs have been doctored to make the warheads look bigger.

Recent allegations leveled at Pakistan of allowing Saudi Arabia to ‘rent’ its nuclear weapons have been revealed as a part of a wider Pakistani plan to leverage its weaponry in order to raise revenues for its cash-strapped government.

In India, Women Finally Afforded Same Social Status as Cows

After incidents of harassment, brutal sexual assault and victim-blaming left Indians worrying about the status and safety of women in their country, there now appears to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

Obama Receives Second Nobel Prize

Oslo—The Norwegian Nobel Committee today announced that American President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama, who now becomes the first person in history to be named a Peace laureate multiple times, was chosen over a number of other nominees including women’s rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and NSA leaker Edward Snowden.

Nobel Foundation Signs Record-Breaking Contract With Nike

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—On Tuesday, Nobel Foundation Board Chairman Carl-Henrik Heldin announced a $300 million partnership with Nike. The deal, Heldin said, will give Nike unprecedented merchandising and naming rights in the world’s most prestigious annual awards process.

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Catholics Desperately Seek Excuse Not to Go to Church

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.

Developing Countries Get "Totally Stacked" Over Summer Vacation

New York-With the resumption of business at the United Nations after a summer recess, member states have been pleasantly surprised by the firm ballooning of economic activity in the world's developing nations.  Previously impoverished and infrastructurally backward countries have finally gained the attention of several first-world nations willing to invest considerable time and money in the hopes of getting sweet, sweet returns.

Iranian Supreme Leader’s Personal Assistant Forgets to Rig Elections

Documents recently leaked from the upper echelons of the Iranian government reveal that the personal assistant to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei had forgotten to rig the presidential elections that took place in June this year, enabling the relative political moderate Hassan Rouhani to win without even the need for a runoff.

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