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Ex-Lovers China and Japan Child Custody Dispute Turns Ugly

After a nasty break up in 1937, they’re at it again. We all remember the notorious comment from the early 1600s when Dutch paparazzi asked Japan its relationship status with China and received the terse: “I’m really not that into China.  She’s really self centered. I’m definitely not making anything official.”

After years of toughing it out, in 1937 they made People magazine's list of worst breakups in history, just below the Goslings and just above Spears and Federline.

Inspired by Recent Presidential Debates, North Korea Holds First Ever Supreme Leader Debates

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA –- In last evening’s debate between benevolent and just Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and short, ugly man who picks his nose, North Korea proved to the world that it is better at everything, even democracy, than any other kingdom.  

Beautiful, respected Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un made all the good points, and short, ugly man who farts when he talks made none of them.

Democrats Launch New “A Man like Obama” Campaign

In the aftermath of the first presidential debate, which commentators declared as a defeat for President Obama, the Democratic Party has drawn inspiration from Russia’s President Putin, and created a video showcasing Mr. Obama’s more ‘manly’ characteristics, in an attempt to revive the President’s fortunes.

Iranian News Agency apologizes for publishing Satire V story

After the embarrassing incident in which a story by The Onion was published word-for-word, Iran’s official Fars news agency has once again run into trouble with satirical websites, this time publishing a story from SatireV entitled “Survey Reveals 69% of American Women Want to Deep-Throat Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.” 

Pixar Backs Away From Incredibles 2 Featuring Mohammed

EMERYVILLE, CA -- Due to recent developments in the Middle East, Pixar executives have decided to postpone the release of The Incredibles 2: Super Prophet.  The film, which follows the super-powered Parr family as they enjoy their family vacation in the United Arab Emirates, contains a three-minute dialogue between Bob, the super-strong father of the Parr family, and Mohammed, the founder of the Islamic faith.

Greek Government to Sing When Tipped

Taking a cue from Cold Stone Creamery, the International Monetary Fund, the European Union, and the European Central Bank are requiring the Greek government to sing one of several jaunty tunes whenever it receives a gratuity, in exchange for further monetary aid. The lenders hope that the jingles, as part of a string of new austerity measures, will encourage tourists and sovereign nations to give small donations to the debt-ridden country, allowing it to pay back long-standing loans.

In Pokemon Card Swap, Israel Sends 10 Charizards to Palestine for 1 Magikarp

JERUSALEM -- Following last month's exchange of over 1000 Palestinian prisoners for Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit, Hamas and the nation of Israel have decided to accelerate negotiations for trading cards in the popular game series Pokemon, reaching a deal late last night.

HUPD Libyan Community Advisory

On October 20, 2011, a male dictator/graduate student was the victim of an armed murder near the Libyan town of Sirtre at approximately 3:30pm.  The victim stated he was approached by a militia of unknown Middle Eastern males as he was listening to his iPod.  One of the males pulled out an AK-47 and demanded that the victim hand over his laptop, wallet, and cell phone.  After capture, the militia proceeded to bludgeon the victim to death.  The perpetrators then fled the scene.

WHO Gives Paris Hilton Head

NEW YORK -- Hoping to attract young supporters and gain substantial press coverage, the World Health Organization announced this morning that socialite Paris Hilton will replace Dr. Margaret Chan as the specialized agency's Director-General.

"Though we are deeply saddened by Dr. Chan's departure, we unanimously agree that the heiress, actress, singer, model, and designer that is Paris Hilton will warmly fill our eager holes."

Sudan Replaces Genocide with Merited Killings

At his most recent press conference, Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has announced that the genocide in Sudan has ended. Seeing the genocide overshadowed by such recent events as the election of Barack Obama, the economic crisis, and St. Patrick's Day, Dr. al-Bashir has decided that it is time for a change. Under the new lex legis, Sudan will opt to kill people only based on merit.

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