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Runner Who “Set The Olympic Stadium On Fire” Arrested For Arson

RIO DE JANIERO, BRAZIL — As the Olympics continue, spectators are heralding the decision to apprehend British distance runner Mo Farah after it was alleged by commentators that he “set the Olympic stadium on fire” during his performance.

Concerns were initially aroused after Farah was clocked at four minutes and three seconds for the last mile of the 10,000 meters final, provoking terrified screams from spectators, but it was only once commentators directly accused him of arson that the authorities became involved.

British People Topple Establishment, Own Economic Futures

LONDON, UK -- After a historic day in British politics of massive voter turnout and a decisive victory for the "Vote Leave" campaign, the United Kingdom will no longer be a member of the European Union. Many citizens are hailing the decision as a turning point for the British people in a struggle against oppressive and undemocratic Euro-centric politics, while some so-called "experts" are describing the momentous vote as having "triggered the largest single-day crash in the history of the pound."

World Seriously Reconsidering This Whole Democracy Thing

MANILA, PHLIPPINES — With Donald Trump assuming the Republican presidential nomination and Rodrigo Duterte elected the newest president of the Philippines, the citizens of the world collectively announced today that look, maybe we should just forget about the whole Democracy thing. “It was nice while it lasted, I guess. But I think it’s clear it’s just not working anymore,” said Manila resident Abian Ramos, who now has to live under a legitimately elected president who once joked that it was a shame a rape victim was so beautiful, because he wish he had been first.

Russia Confused Why Its Syria Airstrikes Keep Missing ISIS

MOSCOW — Russian officials have expressed confusion and surprise in response to allegations that it may have struck a refugee camp in Syria earlier this week, and that many of its airstrikes in recent months have targeted non-jihadist rebels in the country.

Drew Faust Announces...Wait, I'm Better Than Writing About Final Clubs, Right?

ALEPPO, SYRIA–-Two days ago, Islamist rebels seized the village of Khan Touman, which resulted in 73 deaths and violated the ceasefire in the city of Aleppo recently brokered by the United States and Russia. The battle subsided merely a few hours before the President of Harvard University, Drew Gilpin Faust, issued a statement citing consequences for students participating in unrecognized single-gender social organizations on campus. Wait...no, that's not right.
 

Germany Tired of Doing All the Work on European Project

BRUSSELS -- Today Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel announced that her country was tired of doing the bulk of the work on the European Project, and that she would like to see some other countries take on more responsibilities.
 
"Every time we have a project due, my country ends up doing most of the heavy lifting," said a frustrated Merkel at a press conference. "Maybe for once Greece can get its act together and create the PowerPoint presentation. How are we expected to make the poster and the PowerPoint?"
 

Nation Runs Out of Thoughts and Prayers

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—In light of today’s terrorist bombings in Brussels, Belgium, Americans have officially run out of thoughts and prayers.

“It seems I’ve used them all,” said despondent Dallas, Texas native Frances O’Sullivan. “After sending so many to Ankara last week and the majority to Paris in November, I found myself unable to send my thoughts and prayers to Brussels via social media today. It just wouldn’t work,” she added, the collective weight of human sorrow visibly weighing her down.

I’m Not As Bad As Global Warming

Dear America,

Please read this. I know you guys don’t like me, but we have to work together. It is widely known that I hate America, but you should know that I love polar bears more. I know I’ve killed a lot of people-- but have you heard that more than 20,000 polar bears have died from climate change? I swear, America, I'm not as bad as global warming.

This Man Now Inexplicably Important

LONDON -- Over the weekend, British Prime Minister David Cameron announced that British citizens would vote this June on whether Great Britain should remain in the European Union. This man-- pictured right here in this article-- became inexplicably important when he announced he would campaign for Britain's exit from the EU, or "Brexit."
 

People of South African Township Delighted That Panthers Are Super Bowl Champions

 
VRYBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - Ecstatic celebrations rang out across the small South African informal settlement of Huhudi late Sunday night, after the news broke that the Carolina Panthers had been crowned champions of the football world.
 

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