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West African Governments Consider Ban on Travel from United States

LAGOS, NIGERIA —Citing fears of the measles epidemic that has spread to many American cities, several officials in West Africa have proposed temporarily prohibiting travelers from the United States from entering the country.

“We realize that this is an inconvenience,” said Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan, who supports a travel ban. “But we must put Nigerians’ safety first.”

Eurozone Regrets Blocking with Greece

Amidst new threats from Greece to “leave and never come back,” sources confirmed that everyone in the Eurozone now thoroughly regrets choosing to block with Greece back in freshman year.

“Back when she first started having money problems, I was sympathetic,” says member nation Belgium. “But it’s been years now, and it’s about damn time she got her life together.”

Astonished North Korean Programmer Stares at Computer Screen in Disbelief

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed.

“Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”

Kang, who was tasked with preventing the release of Sony Pictures’ The Interview later this month, “can’t freaking believe it.”

United Nations Secret Santa Fails to Build International Friendship

New York City—In a year characterized by rising international tensions, a United Nations Secret Santa aimed at building international cooperation only exacerbated the rifts between various countries. 

Bored Comet Asks If Probe In Yet

Deep Space—Several hours after the Philae spacecraft’s historic landing, sources report that Comet 67P//Churyumov-Gerasimenko is wondering if the probe is in yet. 

At the moment of first contact, according to sources, the comet expressed a desire to “just read a book instead of going to all the trouble,” emphasizing that it was “not really in the mood right now.” 

Apocalypse Ensues After Area Man Wears Polyester At Red Lobster On A Saturday

In what theologians have described as “the triple crown of sin,” Woburn resident Donald Keegan’s decision to wear a garment of mixed fibers while eating shellfish on the Sabbath has led to the breaking of the seven seals, the sounding of seven trumpets, and the raining of flames down from the heavens in a series of events that will almost certainly lead to the cancellation of this week’s Patriots game, as well as the destruction of mankind.

China Fucking Over It

In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Kim Jong Un Accidentally Devours Entire Nation of North Korea, is Deposed

Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, is speculated to have unintentionally eaten the nation he governs. An investigation into Un’s pre-post-dinner-mid-midnight snack this Monday revealed that instead of eating his usual meal of two chickens, an omelet, and a local peasant, Un had accidentally consumed the entire nation of North Korea.

US Responds to MICE-IS Threat

Following a recent rash of journalist brieheadings, the US is stepping up its  efforts to combat the MICE-IS terrorist organization in Syria and Iraq, with President Obama calling for increased gruyere strikes against key oil fields and weapons depots.

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Scotland Rejects Independence; Alex Salmond Drawn and Quartered

     Tower of London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – With Scottish voters having decisively voted “No” in the long anticipated referendum on independence, Scottish First Minister and leading independence advocate Alex Salmond has been transported in shackles to London and ritually disemboweled by members of the Queen's household guard. 

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