• Wanted sticker
• To fight the man
• To enable the man
• Enjoy bubble sheets
• Thought it was "Road to the Whitehouse" midterm
• Peer pressure
• Paid by Teamsters

• Pictured presidents aren't even presidents (specifically: Hamilton, Franklin)
• Gold standard changed to pyrite standard
• "Take a Penny Leave a Penny" is for commies
• The Everything Sale at Macy's.
• Depreciating Christian values
• Fort Knox has walls made of delicious gummy bears
• Homeland security's new "tourism=terrorism" policy
• Actual disparities between spending and saving

After centuries of scholarly analysis, art historians have concluded that Jesus' last meal was "less a simple supper and more an all-you-can-eat, Vegas-style gluttony fest."

Says Giacomo Cassola, "I don't know why we never noticed this before, but there's very obviously a chocolate fondue fountain visible in the background. It looks delicious. And those strawberries are just... to die for. You can tell Jesus agreed by the look in his eyes."

Buongiorno! A true gentleman is a master of the gastronomical arts. As a courtesy to the reader, the gentlemen of Satire V offer their advice for the aspiring culinary craftsman.

• Use only the finest cutlery. Ginsu knives. Very, very sharp knives. The kind of knives sold on TV that can cut through a shoe. Stay up until 4am on a weekday night and purchase the shoe-cutting knives.

• Always have a glass of merlot around. Sip it speculatively as you make cooking decisions.

• Black congressman
• Opposing running back
• Tom Green, he just came out of nowhere,
  officer
• Grandpa
• American Dream
• That bitch Gertrude from the
  neighborhood rotary club
• Those who deserve a good tasing

Despite
the enraged screaming of his coach and manager, Matthew Seiden,
the computer-controlled Shaquille O'Neal refuses to get back on defense.
Seiden has blamed his last five losses in NBA Street Volume 2 on the
laziness of the computer-generated O'Neal, whom he also accuses of
being "spoiled" and "lacking in desire." "The Punishtown Annihilators
are about heart and hustle," said Seiden, "and if O'Neal doesn't
shape up I'm just gong to replace him with Stinky McGraft, a 7'

With the holidays past, I am left with only the fondest memories: gathering
around the Holiday Tree, exchanging Secret Snowman presents, and singing Winter Carols at Holiday parties overflowing
with eggnog and good cheer. Yes, this Holiday Season was truly the best possible way to celebrate the birth of our Holiday Messiah.