Bernie Sanders: We loved him during that fiery Democratic debate this week, and guess where he is now! 

Bernie hasn’t stepped away from politics. Today he was in Los Angeles talking about seniors’ Social Security cost-of-living adjustments!

1. Grace is not part of consciousness; it is the amount of light in our souls, not knowledge nor reason.
2. You Can Discover Everything You Need To Know About Everything by Looking At Your Hands
3. Right now, we don't have a very good relation with creation.
4. You Think You Get It. YOU DONT YOU DONT YOU DONT!!!!!!!

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

Take this latest Satire V quiz: Who said it? Bernie Sanders or Deion Sanders?

1. "Sure we're in limos. We're stars. How else is a star supposed to travel?"

2. "If a financial institution is too big to fail, it is too big to exist."

3. "You don't go from a Yugo to a Benz, back to a Yugo."

4. "My God...if you want to run for President, you're going to need a gazillion dollars."

From the email account of General Patraeus

Yeah, you heard me. I can see it in your eyes, Paula. I can tell you just wanna get your hands on my classified documents. Just like any good biographer.

I don’t think you’re ready for these files. I don’t think you want them bad enough. These are some of the biggest, thickest, juiciest classified documents around. So classified they might be a little hard for you to handle when you get down to, um, reading them.

If you send a mouse a birthday text, he’ll probably want to “catch up some time”.      

If you vaguely say “that would be nice” he’ll probably want specifics.

Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

As Major League Baseball hands out its individual awards, we are reminded of the emotional rollercoaster that was the 2014 MLB season. Not many expected the San Francisco Giants to capture baseball’s ultimate title, as they were the lowest seeded team in the National League playoffs. However, just how unexpected was the Giants’ run to World Series glory? A study by the Satire V Statistics Bureau found that approximately 100% of teams who win Game 7 of the World Series go on to capture that year’s World Series Championship.

Paradise—News from the Big Man Upstairs has descended from the heavens as God, Infallible Creator of Earth, the Universe, and—admittedly—jeggings, has announced that He will release his long-anticipated follow-up to the New Testament as a series of three concept albums.

“I really dig what’s going on in the alternative scene right now,” said God. “I’m just trying to cash in before it’s too late.”