SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Everything Else

Hipster Wizard Creates Spells You’ve Never Heard Of

LONDON -- It’s not a big deal or anything, but yesterday, wizard Perseus M. Higgle discovered this great little charm that you’ve definitely never heard of. According to Higgle, the spell, which must not be named, requires only a lazy wave of the hand. Onlookers, however, report that it might be harder than it looks, and Macy K. Limbum “definitely saw his hornrims mist up a little bit.”

Adele Skips Grammys After Scientific Discovery

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - International music sensation Adele announced today that she had rediscovered Greek Fire, the enigmatic liquid used by the Byzantine Empire to set the ocean ablaze, the secrets of which had been lost for centuries. The announcement comes in lieu of her expected appearance at the Grammy Awards. The singer-songwriter claims the discovery would not have been possible had it not been for her throat surgery in November.

Researchers Near Cuteness Barrier

Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider announced last Thursday that they have made groundbreaking strides in their attempts to break the cuteness barrier.

"Scientists have long been fascinated by breaking barriers," commented head researcher David Richardson, "and since we have already discovered how to break the sound and awkwardness barriers, the cuteness barrier was the next logical step."

From the Archives: December 1877, Edison Unveils Phonograph

MENLO PARK, New Jersey -- Throngs of die-hard fans of Thomas Edison packed the auditorium of the famed innovator's Menlo Park complex Wednesday last to witness the unveiling of the "Invention Factory's" latest product.

No formal announcement had been made of the event, but leaflets bearing the cryptic message: "Are you listening? -- E" have been seen on telegraph poles along the Atlantic seaboard for nearly a fortnight, and dedicated technophiles knew that their beloved Alva had another Christmas present in store for them
this year.

New iPhone App Supplies GPS for Life Choices

SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Amid the flurry of applications being released everyday on Apple's iPhone, developers have been stretching their imaginations to satisfy consumers.

ADDJ Ruins Party

Julia Smith's 17th birthday party was ruined last weekend due to her unfortunate taste in DJs.

"I was so excited," Smith sobbed, dabbing at tears. "I had thirty-seven confirmed guests on Facebook. Confirmed! Figure that and about half the maybes would have shown too, and this party could have been epic."

Before the party could really get started, Smith's DJ, MC Carwash, managed to drive away guests by constantly changing the music.

Harvard's Party Playlist

  • Baby, Come Over - Samantha Mumba
  • Are You Gonna Be My Girl? - JET
  • Come On, Come On - Velvet Revolver
  • (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
  • I Touch Myself - Divinyls
  • Cryin' - Aerosmith

Dumb Joke by Hot Girl Gets Big Laughs Anyway

Sally Vernon, a busty Central High School junior, wowed members of the school's football team last week with a rather underwhelming joke. Continuing a nationwide trend in which the hilarity of a joke is directly related to the attractiveness of the teller, the simple pun generated echoing guffaws when told by Ms. Vernon. "The guys were hanging out by their lockers, and I decided to give the joke a try" says Vernon, 17. "I mean, I just got it off the back of one of those candy wrappers." The reaction definitely surprised her. "I never thought I was that funny, I guess.

Some Little Girl Needs a Bone Marrow Transplant

According to the email your aunt forwarded to you at 3:47 PM today, a little girl in Oregon needs a bone marrow transplant or something.

Alicia, or Alexia, or whatever, age 6 or 7, has been suffering from health problems her entire life and is in dire need of your help. You skimmed the story but assumed it was fake so that you wouldn't feel bad about not forwarding the email.

It's unclear how forwarding it would have really helped the young girl, but that still doesn't change the fact that you're a jackass.

Model Swears She Wasn't Popular in High School

From the remote island location of her latest photo shoot, Alessandra Lombardi took time from being rubbed down with the finest coconut oil to assure her fans and followers that she was in no way, shape, or form popular during high school.

"Are you kidding me? I was the biggest loser in school," she laughed, tossing back a mane of long, shiny hair. "Just try having a silky peaches-and-cream complexion when everyone else is suffering from cystic acne. You're the outcast."

Pages