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Everything Else

Melinda Gates’ Dildo Challenge

Following her husband’s $100,000 grant offer for the design of a “next generation condom,” Melinda Gates has issued a challenge of her own, causing many start-ups to scramble in order to get a head start in what looks to be a stiff competition.

The $2,318,008 prize will be given to the individual or team that “designs the dildo—classic, vibrator, or strap-on—that best satisfies the needs of a lonely rich woman whose husband spends so much damn time on his precious foundation.”

ESPN Launches College of Cardinals Bracket

Soon after Pope Benedict XVI announced that he would resign by the end of February, the College of Cardinals immediately geared up for what is shaping up to be the best March Madness since the famous “Crazy Conclave” of 1963 that ended with the come-from-behind win of the surprise underdog, Giovanni Battista Enrico Antonio Maria Montini, who after his victory celebrations took on the name Paul da Sixth.

Things Harvard is Giving Up for Lent

Smartphone Users Reporting Snapchat Messages from Bigfoot

“At first, I started getting a lot of pictures and videos of trees from someone I didn’t know.  But then one day, I saw a picture of a big hairy face” said Veronica Slain of Boulder, CO.  She is one of several people who claim to be receiving messages from “Bigfoot” on the popular smartphone app, Snapchat.  Snapchat is an app that allows users to send pictures or short videos that disappear forever after being viewed by other users.

Ke$ha Marries, Decides to Become Housewife

LOS ANGELES, CA --  News has leaked that pop star Ke$ha held a secret wedding ceremony in Smith Baptist Church located in Scranton, PA, the hometown of her new groom, earlier this week. Court documents show that she is now legally the bride of a mild-mannered male nurse named Kirk Snaught, whom she met at her weekly Lamaze class.

“It’s something I can never explain. We were both not pregnant, both interested in Lamaze for recreational and educational purposes; I mean, I don’t know what it was, but I knew the connection was instant and deep.”

Tickle Monster Mauls Three-Year-Old

CLEVELAND, TN— An escaped and possibly feral tickle monster entered an area home on Monday, leaving one three-year-old in critical condition, and two other children with serious cases of the giggles.

Scientists Find Endangered Animals Inside “Chinese Turducken”

After the People’s Republic of China announced its most recent American knock-off, the Chinese Thanksgiving, the government introduced the holiday’s new signature dish: the Chinese turducken.

However, the worldwide environmental community has expressed outrage after scientists analyzed prototypes of the Chinese turduckens and found traces of Liger, Panda and Snow leopard.

Undiscovered Street Marketing Genius Definitely Going to be Famous

When I first sat down to interview Ziggy Crabtree, I was in total fangirl mode. Many are heralding Mr. Crabtree’s genius and somewhat unconventional combinations of random nouns as the real future of product development. Ideas such as: “cats, but with cell phones” are making industry leaders feverish with the idea of such innovation.

Mormon Underwear Undergoes Revamp

In place of the modest two-piece, the Church of Latter-Day Saints now offers a wide array of red, hot-pink, and leather thongs, ass-less chaps, and more. The Mormon community is buzzing about this exciting change.

“I can’t wait to throw on a Jeee-sus string,” said grinning former-presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “It will only be More-man on display,” he chuckled, “But really, it turns me on.”

Even Glenn Beck showed some excitement at the news.

“It’s just so liberating,” he said, sporting a fluffy pink brassiere. “I’ve never felt so giddy.”

Child Learns Canada Isn't Real

On Thursday, at approximately 3:45 pm, Steve Windgate, age 9, returned home from school with a bloody nose and clothes covered in dirt. Mrs. Windgate, a Women and Gender Studies professor at nearby Galbraith College, immediately rushed to her son to find out what had happened.

            “I got in a fight with some kids at school.”

            Mr. Windgate, ponytail possessor and proprietor of local organic food store ‘Native Sigh’, demanded an explanation for the boy’s behavior.