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Quiz: Is Staying in Tonight an Act of Self Care or a Symptom of Depression?

We’ve all been there: you’re sprawled on your shitty futon with an empty bag of off-brand cheese puffs on your ninth episode of Parks and Recreation, thinking, “I’m not sure I want to have any contact with other human beings tonight.” A typical Friday! But we know what you’re wondering: is you staying in tonight an act of radical self-care or a symptom of your crippling depression? Take our quiz to find out!


Have you had a busy day?

Area Girl Uses ~Squigglies~ So Her Crush Will Think She’s ~Totally Laidback~

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Ellie R. Hampton ’18 has begun adding ~squigglies~ to her texts to her crush, giving her texts a ~cool vibe~ and indicating that she is ~not like the other girls~.

Last Monday, Hampton realized that the most effective way to give Carson T. Alberts ’18 the sense that she is ~totally laidback~ is to throw in entirely gratuitous ~squigglies~ whenever she texts him.

Quiz: Are These From The Mission of Harvard College or Bodak Yellow by Cardi B?

1. The mission of Harvard College is to educate the citizens and citizen-leaders for our society.

2. Said, "Lil bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to"

3. We do this through our commitment to the transformative power of a liberal arts and sciences education.

4. I don't dance now, I make money moves

5. I'm a boss, you a worker, bitch, I make bloody moves

6. We hope that students will begin to fashion their lives by gaining a sense of what they want to do with their gifts and talents... 

Cause for Celebration: They Left George Clooney in Space After Filming “Gravity,” And He Just Completed His First Orbit Around the Earth

Pop the champagne! Remember how five years ago George Clooney was accidentally left in space during the filming of Gravity? Well he just completed his first orbit around the Earth!

In October of 2012, the cast and crew of Gravity were just wrapping up shooting by Comet Encke. Everyone hugged, cried, and boarded the spaceship to head back to Earth. Little did they know, co-star George Clooney was floating through space a mile away after accidentally propelling himself there with his own pee stream. Talk about bad timing!

Are These Sharply-Dressed White Men Punching a Final Club, or Just a Group of Dapper Young Lads?

LEAKED: Taylor Swift's New “Reputation” Songs

Taylor Swift's Reputation, one of the year's most hotly anticipated albums, is scheduled for release this November. Satire V got a sneak peek at the pop songstress' upcoming songs: 

1. "I Love Bread"

Proving herself once again to be the queen of relatability, Swift pays homage to an American staple in this sparkling opening track. Thanks to a two-year advertising contract with Wonder Bread, each album comes with a loaf of Wonder Bread’s new special-edition white bread—available only at Target. 

2. "Fuck Me, Tall Boy" 

Inspiring! This Man Is Downright Disgusting and Still Objectifies Women

CLEVELAND, OH—An inspiration to men everywhere, 54-year-old Chuck Jenkins has not used soap in a month and still objectifies women.

This morning, Jenkins rolled out of bed in beer-stained sweatpants, decided against showering or shaving for the 29th day in a row, and headed to his local coffeehouse. “Hey tutz,” he said to the 19-year-old barista, Alison Smith, who works at the coffeehouse to pay her college tuition. “I’ll take my coffee as hot as you are.”

5 Literally IMPOSSIBLE “Would You Rathers” for People with Fears of Commitment

A woman thinking

These "would you rather" questions are darn near impossible, especially if you have a paralyzing fear of commitment. Would you rather...

1. Flunk out of college OR not be allowed to respond “maybe” to your friend’s party on Facebook?

Oh boy is this one difficult. You could choose to be an incredible disappointment to your family and jeopardize your future job prospects. But then again how can you be certain that you won’t be invited to an even better party at the same time?


Sad: These Students Want to Buy Glasses from Warby Parker but They Can't Find It Yet

Herds of visually challenged people have been wandering about the Square, tripping over poorly placed bricks and bumping into Charlize, the woman (-0.25 prescription) who calls out your number at Tasty Burger. It's a shame these poor, glassesless souls are incapable of knowing that an Eyeglass Elysium with low, low prices is just a burger's throw away. Like God Himself, they cannot see the source of their own salvation. Yikes!

6 Clothing Items That Respect the Fuck out of the Flag

1) How about this one? Yeah, that's some respect right there.

2) How about this? This is respect.