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Bummer: God Just Announced One Person Gets to Live Forever, But It's Fucking Tim

God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, just decreed that he would make an exception to the rule that everyone has to die. That sounded totally awesome at first, until it turned out that fucking Tim is the one who gets to live forever. What a bummer! 
No other human has ever experienced eternal life until Tim, an absolutely pathetic lowlife who takes lunch at his desk while watching YouTube videos on his phone. Who knows what Tim, who once Googled "is it acceptable to go to the movies alone," will do on Earth until the end of time. Unbelievable!

Carbon Dating Fossil Just Wants to Be Friends

Carbon and a dinosaur

CHICXULUB, MEXICO —  After eons of building up a reservoir of courage, Carbon came clean about her relationship with a fossil currently residing on the Yucatan Peninsula, and her suspicions that he takes her for granite.

In an exclusive interview, she confessed, “This relationship has really taken us out of our elements, but I’m just not feeling that binding attraction anymore.”

She plans to inform Fossil tomorrow evening that she wants to take the intensity down an energy level, and that she has been feeling too bound up with nothing to call her own.

Should You Tell Your Crush You Like Him, or Should You Stick Your Head in a Dune Until the Ocean Water Calcifies You?

We’ve all been there: You have a crush on a guy. He’s cute and funny, and you think you’d be great together. But he isn’t making the first move. What’s a girl to do?

On the one hand, you could have a honest, respectful conversation with him. You could say, “Hey! I’m into you, and I’m wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me.” Your frankness just might open the lines of communication between you and your crush.

On the other hand, you could stick your head in a dune for several centuries until the briny ocean water calcifies you. What a tough call!

Quiz: Is Staying in Tonight an Act of Self Care or a Symptom of Depression?

We’ve all been there: you’re sprawled on your shitty futon with an empty bag of off-brand cheese puffs on your ninth episode of Parks and Recreation, thinking, “I’m not sure I want to have any contact with other human beings tonight.” A typical Friday! But we know what you’re wondering: is you staying in tonight an act of radical self-care or a symptom of your crippling depression? Take our quiz to find out!


Have you had a busy day?

Area Girl Uses ~Squigglies~ So Her Crush Will Think She’s ~Totally Laidback~

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Ellie R. Hampton ’18 has begun adding ~squigglies~ to her texts to her crush, giving her texts a ~cool vibe~ and indicating that she is ~not like the other girls~.

Last Monday, Hampton realized that the most effective way to give Carson T. Alberts ’18 the sense that she is ~totally laidback~ is to throw in entirely gratuitous ~squigglies~ whenever she texts him.

Quiz: Are These From The Mission of Harvard College or Bodak Yellow by Cardi B?

1. The mission of Harvard College is to educate the citizens and citizen-leaders for our society.

2. Said, "Lil bitch, you can't fuck with me if you wanted to"

3. We do this through our commitment to the transformative power of a liberal arts and sciences education.

4. I don't dance now, I make money moves

5. I'm a boss, you a worker, bitch, I make bloody moves

6. We hope that students will begin to fashion their lives by gaining a sense of what they want to do with their gifts and talents... 

Cause for Celebration: They Left George Clooney in Space After Filming “Gravity,” And He Just Completed His First Orbit Around the Earth

Pop the champagne! Remember how five years ago George Clooney was accidentally left in space during the filming of Gravity? Well he just completed his first orbit around the Earth!

In October of 2012, the cast and crew of Gravity were just wrapping up shooting by Comet Encke. Everyone hugged, cried, and boarded the spaceship to head back to Earth. Little did they know, co-star George Clooney was floating through space a mile away after accidentally propelling himself there with his own pee stream. Talk about bad timing!

Are These Sharply-Dressed White Men Punching a Final Club, or Just a Group of Dapper Young Lads?

LEAKED: Taylor Swift's New “Reputation” Songs

Taylor Swift's Reputation, one of the year's most hotly anticipated albums, is scheduled for release this November. Satire V got a sneak peek at the pop songstress' upcoming songs: 

1. "I Love Bread"

Proving herself once again to be the queen of relatability, Swift pays homage to an American staple in this sparkling opening track. Thanks to a two-year advertising contract with Wonder Bread, each album comes with a loaf of Wonder Bread’s new special-edition white bread—available only at Target. 

2. "Fuck Me, Tall Boy" 

Inspiring! This Man Is Downright Disgusting and Still Objectifies Women

CLEVELAND, OH—An inspiration to men everywhere, 54-year-old Chuck Jenkins has not used soap in a month and still objectifies women.

This morning, Jenkins rolled out of bed in beer-stained sweatpants, decided against showering or shaving for the 29th day in a row, and headed to his local coffeehouse. “Hey tutz,” he said to the 19-year-old barista, Alison Smith, who works at the coffeehouse to pay her college tuition. “I’ll take my coffee as hot as you are.”