Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students aren’t the only ones with performance anxiety this time of year. The ongoing argument between Professors David Malan and N. Gregory Mankiw over whose is bigger is heating up during the weeklong period between their two midterms. Attempts to compare and determine whose is larger, better endowed, and overall more sought after have taken an aggressive turn.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Last Friday evening, all CS50 students received an email reminding them that CS50 does not haze. The email, required by both Massachusetts state law and the OSL, must be sent out by every organization to remind their members that hazing is not permitted.