CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

After careful consideration, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that the recipient of his $45 billion donation will be deadweight loss triangles.

A student of Ec 10 in his freshman year at Harvard, Zuckerberg was reportedly deeply affected by the shaded triangles which represent economic inefficiency on graphs of supply and demand. “I can’t take it anymore—no trade should have to go unexploited like that. It’s just plain cruel,” said the internet tycoon.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students aren’t the only ones with performance anxiety this time of year. The ongoing argument between Professors David Malan and N. Gregory Mankiw over whose is bigger is heating up during the weeklong period between their two midterms. Attempts to compare and determine whose is larger, better endowed, and overall more sought after have taken an aggressive turn.

 We all hear it and, as much as we want to deny it, it’s an inevitable fact of life: “You have to grow up.”

And that’s why I’m encouraging my fellow middle school students not to accept candy handouts from the citizens of Cambridge this Halloween season.