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I'm Going to Steal So Many Fucking Books

A book thief

By a Lamont Library Book Thief

It all started when I was six and accidentally walked out of the Pine Hills Community Library with a copy of Captain Underpants. I had forgotten to check it out, but when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt no remorse. Instead, I felt a rush. Ever since that fateful day when I got a taste of literary kleptomania, I’ve never forgotten just how good it felt.

Fast forward to October 30, 2017 and finally, my time has come. I can live out my lifelong fantasy of stealing every single goddamn book in Lamont Library.

Mom, What Part of “I Need $300 to Buy Pink Camo Sweatpants” Is So Fucking Hard to Understand?

Dear Mom,

No, they’re not “just pants.” They're not “just a brand.” I really don’t understand what part of this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I’ve been on this planet for 16 years, and at this point, it’s unbelievable that you’ve made absolutely no effort to understand me. No, they're not the same as Supreme; they're not Obey; they're not Stussy; and god-fucking-no-woman they're not Yeezys either. Jesus.

They're Bape.

WHY DIDN’T KATIE SHOW UP TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY?!?

By Billy Bittner, Age 5

Don’t make believe like you haven’t heard by now. You've heard— the fastest, smartest, awesomest girl in the whole wide world, Katie Klimpke, straight-up ghosted me, Billy Bittner, at my own fifth birthday bash. AND YOU THINK I CARE? DO YOU THINK I CARE????

Don’t answer that.

I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Sims

By Scott Miller

As a white suburban man with a general predisposition for people like me and a general indifference towards political issues not involving me, I have often been accused of being a “racist” or a “bigot.” Such accusations hurt me deeply, for I am a good person who loves people of all colors. Those who disagree don’t know the real me and don’t know that I, in fact, have black sims. 

Comments on the Seizure of Market in the Square

Dean Dingman
Dear Members of the Harvard Community:
 
Fam, I'm gonna level with you. It's been a rough couple months for old Tommy D. My boy Skeech moved to Dallas to get a Master's in Video Game Development. Barreira wouldn't sign me off for medicinal pot because "dangerous surfeits of swag" isn't a "legitimate condition," apparently. Then to put the cherry atop this bullshit sundae, I bet some Owl douche 17 grand (which I may or may not have) that Andre 3000 would be the next president of Harvard, which in hindsight might have been a bad call.
 

We Need to Talk About Virgin-Shaming

By the Virgin Mary

Humanity, we need to talk about virgin-shaming.

So many entities are hurt by our callous tendency to call out others’ lack of sexual experience—me, Virgin America, the Virgin Islands, Virgin Mobile. Even olive oil is labeled as extra-virgin. How insensitive! What olive oil does or does not do in the bedroom is olive oil’s business.

Not to Accuse You of Anything, But Are You Cheating on Me?

Pop Music Is Unoriginal and Uninspired, Which Is Why I Listen Exclusively to 12th-14th Century Gregorian Chant

A Gregorian chant
By Arnoldius B. Pretentium '19
 
Last year at a party, my friend and I undertook a daring endeavor. We pushed our way through the throng of sweaty college students to find the DJ. We were going to request a song.
 
“Do you know ‘Invitatorium: Deum Verum’?” I said to the DJ.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Can you play it next?”
 

I Don’t Care if You’re 35 with Children, You’re Not Getting a Drink

The Kong

By the White Guy at The Kong

Back in the day, the establishment where I now willingly spend my twilight years was a lawless land where underage drinking reigned supreme. It was mayhem. I was brought on to usher in a new age of order and control at the Kong. That is why I don’t care if you’re 35 with children: you’re not getting a drink. 

A Generic Statement about Sexual Assault

Ben Affleck

By a Powerful Male Celebrity

I must start off this statement by mentioning that I am sad and angry. Everyone is sad and angry, but not as sad and angry as me, a powerful man who has never had to worry about jeopardizing his career by resisting the advances of a powerful sexual predator. I felt absolutely sick when I read the allegations this morning. My head was spinning, and I even vomited in the sink a little. Then I remembered that I forgot to take my daily Excedrin, and everything was better — just not for the dozens of women whose lives have been permanently ruined.

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