RE: Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

Hi Professor Chen,

Thank you so much for your feedback on my grad school essays! I’m really sorry for the late response—I literally died.

I’ve been meaning to get you my final paper, but I just wanted to let you know that Hell has a pretty strong firewall and I haven’t had access to Google Docs. I might be able to use my Harvard VPN from the literal grave, though. I’ll let you know!

By a mouse

My parents keep telling me that I need to find a nice shrewish boy, but trapping the right shrewish boy is way easier said than done.

My mom says that generations of women in this family have devoted ourselves to the taming of the shrew. I secretly dated a hamster once—I couldn’t keep my paws off of him—but my brother ratted me out to my dad.

As a feminist, I ardently believe that society has set up toxic, misogynistic beauty standards for women. Expectations that women must look a certain way or dress a certain way are grossly sexist and blatantly patriarchal.

On the other hand, I pay a middle-aged woman named Kelly $15 every other week to violently rip the stray hairs surrounding my eyebrows out of my face.

By Sean McLoughlin

From my christening to this very moment, Catholicism has been the guiding light in my life. Failure, rejection, emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy—my faith has guided me through these experiences, and I have come out of them a stronger person. But last week I tried challah, and now I have something to confess. I think I might want to convert to Judaism?

Here’s what happened: I went to Mark’s son’s bar mitzvah, and on the way out, some guy offered me a piece of challah. I took a bite, and that was it. Everything changed.

By a Lamont Library Book Thief

It all started when I was six and accidentally walked out of the Pine Hills Community Library with a copy of Captain Underpants. I had forgotten to check it out, but when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt no remorse. Instead, I felt a rush. Ever since that fateful day when I got a taste of literary kleptomania, I’ve never forgotten just how good it felt.

Fast forward to October 30, 2017 and finally, my time has come. I can live out my lifelong fantasy of stealing every single goddamn book in Lamont Library.

No, they’re not “just pants.” They're not “just a brand.” I really don’t understand what part of this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I’ve been on this planet for 16 years, and at this point, it’s unbelievable that you’ve made absolutely no effort to understand me. No, they're not the same as Supreme; they're not Obey; they're not Stussy; and god-fucking-no-woman they're not Yeezys either. Jesus.

They're Bape.

By Billy Bittner, Age 5

Don’t make believe like you haven’t heard by now. You've heard— the fastest, smartest, awesomest girl in the whole wide world, Katie Klimpke, straight-up ghosted me, Billy Bittner, at my own fifth birthday bash. AND YOU THINK I CARE? DO YOU THINK I CARE????

Don’t answer that.

By Scott Miller

As a white suburban man with a general predisposition for people like me and a general indifference towards political issues not involving me, I have often been accused of being a “racist” or a “bigot.” Such accusations hurt me deeply, for I am a good person who loves people of all colors. Those who disagree don’t know the real me and don’t know that I, in fact, have black sims.