By Definitely NOT Tobey Maguire

As I sat down in the theater to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, which I naively thought would be a completely necessary installment in the Spider-Man franchise, I couldn’t help but think it was unnecessary, very bad, and totally lacking celebrated actor Tobey Maguire.

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

By Your Insecurities

Wow! You made out with a girl tonight! You’re probably feelin’ like quite the hot shot. A girl put her mouth on your mouth for an extended period of time! She was even pretty cute.

Too cute…

Definitely too cute to have made out with you voluntarily…

By Mariah Carey

Okay, I get it, you’re all really obsessed with Beyoncé. Her diva persona, her booty, her twins. It’s all really cool. You know how I know that? Because I did all that shit first.

Listen up, sheeple, and you might learn a thing or two. You heard it here first: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a copycat of the highest degree. And also, I am not “the laughingstock of music.”

by I. N. Sufferablé

Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.