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Report: Someone Peed in Harvard Presidential Candidate Pool

A man pees in the "Harvard presidential candidate pool."
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing the increased warmth in the pool since a few minutes ago, many Harvard presidential contenders claim someone urinated in the candidate pool.
 
“I swear it is really warm in this one spot right over there,” said Government professor and shortlisted presidential candidate Danielle Allen, pointing to an area near the pool ladder. “It's my expert opinion that someone must have peed.” 
 

Inspired By Resurgence of Populism, William Jennings Bryan Claws Out of Grave to Make Fourth Presidential Run

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

Clinton Unable to Stop Smiling During Benghazi Hearing

WASHINGTON, D.C. ­– Unable to suppress her excitement, a giddy Secretary Hillary Clinton sat before the Select Committee on Benghazi Thursday to give a testimony once again on the September 11, 2012 attacks, a day after Vice President Joe Biden announced that he would not seek the 2016 Democratic nomination for President. On Thursday morning, Clinton was dropped off at the site of the hearing by a party bus rented just the night before.

Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
 
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
 
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
 
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
 

Martin O’Malley Visits Qdoba, No One Notices

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

A Message To The Community

From the Desk of President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Members of the Administration, Resident Deans, and the Faculty,

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.