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Area Man

Area Man Unaware This Is Best Day of His Life

Muskegon, MI—Expressing moderate satisfaction with how his day is going, local man Brett Thurman, 32, confirmed to reporters this Thursday that he had no idea it was the best day of his life. “Yeah, I had some leftover pot pie for lunch,” the local accountant reported with mild enthusiasm, apparently unaware that today is the day he will look back on years from now, wondering where it all went wrong.

Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

Area Student's Support For Strike Evaporates After Being Woken Up By Picket

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the historic Harvard University Dining Services strike underway, many students have been eagerly declaring their support for the workers who have staffed campus dining halls continuously for decades. Among these supporters was Garrett West '19, who has been advocating his support for the strike since a notice was posted on his door in early September. However, West reports his backing for the walkout evaporated this morning, after he was rudely awoken by a march through campus at 6 AM

 

Area Libertarian Frustrated by Pleasant DMV Visit

BOSTON, MA--Local Libertarian Party supporter and noted amateur economist Rick Roberts was infuriated after today's appointment at the Department of Motor Vehicles went off without a hitch.
 
"I just don't understand," said Roberts to reporters. "How could such an obviously bureaucratic institution provide good service? What incentive did they have to do that?"
 

Area Simpleton Still Typing with Two Fingers

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After the arrhythmic clicking of a keyboard continued for several minutes after his classmates had finished typing, reports have confirmed that area man John Edward '18 still types with two fucking fingers.

Despite having been born into a generation for whom computers are a norm, Edward has yet to learn the simple motor coordination pattern of utilising multiple fingers in the process of using a full QWERTY keyboard.

Smug Bastard in Hammock Probably Thinks He’s Enjoying Nice Weather More Than You

LEXINGTON, KY -– Sources report that your neighbor Doug is enjoying the beautiful weather by sitting in a hammock like a goddamned hippie.

The single 31-year-old teacher was noted saying earlier that he just really enjoys “the feeling of swaying in the breeze.” But couldn’t he just sit on the grass and be satisfied with the wind in his hair like a normal person?

Area Man Struck by Powerball Odds

WILSON, NC-- As public excitement rose to fever pitch over the largest Powerball Jackpot in history, area man David West was struck by lightning multiple times as he went about his daily activities. With the odds of a winning ticket calculated as 1 in 292.2 million, West was initially struck by the inevitable force of probability while completing his usual Saturday round at the golf course.
 

Every Song Actually About Area Man’s Ex-Girlfriend

KNOXVILLE, TN--While huddled in a ball in his room and crying, local college freshman Alex Newton has reportedly discovered that every song’s lyrics actually describe his ex-girlfriend Samantha and their previous relationship.

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