SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Area Man

Area Libertarian Frustrated by Pleasant DMV Visit

BOSTON, MA--Local Libertarian Party supporter and noted amateur economist Rick Roberts was infuriated after today's appointment at the Department of Motor Vehicles went off without a hitch.
 
"I just don't understand," said Roberts to reporters. "How could such an obviously bureaucratic institution provide good service? What incentive did they have to do that?"
 

Area Simpleton Still Typing with Two Fingers

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After the arrhythmic clicking of a keyboard continued for several minutes after his classmates had finished typing, reports have confirmed that area man John Edward '18 still types with two fucking fingers.

Despite having been born into a generation for whom computers are a norm, Edward has yet to learn the simple motor coordination pattern of utilising multiple fingers in the process of using a full QWERTY keyboard.

Smug Bastard in Hammock Probably Thinks He’s Enjoying Nice Weather More Than You

LEXINGTON, KY -– Sources report that your neighbor Doug is enjoying the beautiful weather by sitting in a hammock like a goddamned hippie.

The single 31-year-old teacher was noted saying earlier that he just really enjoys “the feeling of swaying in the breeze.” But couldn’t he just sit on the grass and be satisfied with the wind in his hair like a normal person?

Area Man Struck by Powerball Odds

WILSON, NC-- As public excitement rose to fever pitch over the largest Powerball Jackpot in history, area man David West was struck by lightning multiple times as he went about his daily activities. With the odds of a winning ticket calculated as 1 in 292.2 million, West was initially struck by the inevitable force of probability while completing his usual Saturday round at the golf course.
 

Every Song Actually About Area Man’s Ex-Girlfriend

KNOXVILLE, TN--While huddled in a ball in his room and crying, local college freshman Alex Newton has reportedly discovered that every song’s lyrics actually describe his ex-girlfriend Samantha and their previous relationship.

Pages