By Christopher Marlowe

Christopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus, remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.

Ah, Faustus,

Now hast thou but one bare year to be president,

And then thou must be damn'd perpetually!

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move that shocked everyone including himself, after almost four months of inactivity, Harrison Ross '19 was spotted entering a club meeting for the Harvard College Young Leaders in Financial Consulting in Business yesterday at approximately 8:06 pm. Ross’s homecoming was met by a few scattered cheers, many strained faces attempting to show warmth, and one unintelligible scream from the back of the room.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a leaked email sent to CS50 after he was called to the Honor Council, Kevin J. Benson ‘20, who cheated on problem sets in the course, wrote: “[Cheating] was a mistake, I was drunk, and I still love you.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Thursday, Harvard College awarded 67 students the prestigious Hoopes Prize. The following are some of the award-winning theses from the 2016-2017 school year:

Yer A Wizard, Harry: A Sociolinguistic Analyses of Hagrid's Speech Patterns in the Harry Potter Series

Hodor: Hodor Hodor, Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor

[Snappy Title]: Evidence from [Large Dataset Name] 

The Dichotomy of Problematic Normativity and Postmodern Rhetoric: A Comparative Repositioning of Academic Buzzwords

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

HFAC and HCFA: While the Harvard Financial Analysts Club and Harvard College Faith and Action seem to have opposing goals and different visions of society, the OSL has decided that it's working pretty well for the Republican Party, so why not!

Chinese Students Association and the Catholic Students Association (CSA): They share the same acronym, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

Cambridge, MA – In its annual report, the Harvard Admissions Office announced that the Science Center bathroom has officially become the second most popular tourist destination at Harvard, citing “high demand” and “visible relief” as top reasons for the shift in rankings.

What is a seesaw, truly, but a simple metaphor for the fragile ebb and flow of humanity that somehow defines us all? What is a teeter-totter but a subtle allegory for the intricate dance of birth and death that emboldens yet imperils our lives?

These are the issues that Seesaws in the Yard—a flawed but compelling work of outdoor performance art in Harvard Yard—seeks to address. Ultimately, however, the work poses more questions than it resolves.