Lauren E. Parsons ’19 reportedly summed up the entire history of race and gender in the United States in a 4-5 page final paper for her USW class on Monday. Even though she banged out her essay in a night, Parsons apparently managed to contextualize slavery, the Civil War, Reconstruction, female suffrage, women’s roles in World War II, the Civil Rights era, all three waves of feminist thought, police brutality, and the 2016 election in just under 2,000 words.

I am excited to announce how humbled I am to be making this announcement. The announcement that I am excited to announce has been a long time in the making, and I am so excited to finally be able to announce it. It is announcements like this one that make me so excited to make announcements.

Reports surfaced on Thursday that Alex R. Watson ’20 has shut down the 501(c)(3) organization that he founded to get into Harvard. Kids Tackling Chlamydia, which Watson begrudgingly started as a last-ditch resume-saver in December 2015, will no longer offer the STD prevention classes to underprivileged preschoolers in Slovakia that it supposedly used to offer. 

By the Delphic Club

The Delphic Club was saddened to hear that news broke this morning that graduate members of the Delphic had hired strippers for a punch event in October 2010. We deeply regret that the story has circulated around campus, hitting number one on The Crimson’s most read list.

Here at Harvard, we’re all stressed out and in need of time to relax. And we get it, everyone does striptease in the dining hall from time to time. But it seems like a day doesn’t go by without someone barging in on our lunches with a striptease that’s downright disrespectful. (#thestruggleisreal) Next time, make sure you’re aware of the people you might be disturbing. We here at Satire V have some striptease etiquette tips for some of our cruddier classmates:

Playing sexy music too loud

Cambridge, MA — Harvard University Dining Services recently announced the opening of a new BoardPlus café, conveniently located behind an elaborate obstacle course.