On Friday, Alex Zheng '20 was interrupted during his weekly emotional catharsis when roommate, Jacob Pearson '20, returned from his Ec10b section early.

“It was realty frustrating,” Zheng said. “I’ve had to reschedule my weekly cry four times now because Jacob is apparently incapable of keeping track of time.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After months of being completely oblivious to the fact that there has been a fictional character living inside their building, Computer Science faculty have finally realized that Gollum is not actually another computer science student. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

NORTHWEST LABS B108 — Brandon C. Pfluger ’19, initially considered to be simply dozing off, was pronounced dead in his Economics 10b section on Wednesday.  

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier today, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana was rushed to University Health Services and diagnosed with a stress fracture following a 40 mile walk in another’s shoes.

NEPAL – In a strategic move from Mt. Auburn to Mt. Everest, the Accessible Education Office hopes to level the playing field for all students. After catching wind of a state-of-the-art skyscraper recently constructed atop Mt. Everest’s highest peak, Harvard did not hesitate to stake a claim on the new real estate. Naturally, the administration decided that the AEO would be the most appropriate candidate for this new location.

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented move toward bureaucratic reform, newly-appointed United States Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos surprised her employees Friday morning when she brought a television atop a tall cart into Department of Education offices.