SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Opinion

I AM THE POWERHOUSE OF THIS CELL

By The Mitochondria

All right, listen up you little shits. I don’t know who you are or which godforsaken corner of the Golgi apparatus you popped out of. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who passes through that phospholipid bilayer is the same to me. You have no power. I have all the power. I am the powerhouse of this cell.

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Important Information Regarding Ye Cholericke Humours

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

Marshmallow Mateys Are Fucking Amazing

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

Give Me Your Muggle Money

By J.K. Rowling
 
Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.
 
Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.
 

Let's Not Forget the White People Who Made Black History

People don’t often take the time to embrace Black History Month and to delve into the innovators and revolutionaries who made black history, including everyone from MLK to JFK. That's right, JFK. You might be thinking, “JFK? Wasn’t he white?” Yes, he was. That leads me to the biggest problem with Black History Month: people forget how influential white people have been in black history. They’ve been a part of every civil rights movement, from ending slavery to ending segregation. Even now, white people are doing their part in the fight to end police brutality #AllLivesMatter.

Your Government Works: Lead Introduction Initiative A Huge Success

My fellow citizens:

For years our state has watched hundreds of thousands of the most vulnerable among us fail to get the nutrition they need to have economically productive lives. These socioeconomically deprived residents of some of Michigan's most diverse communities have subsisted on subpar food and drink, sorely lacking in important micronutrients.

Letter to the Editor: On the replacement of the Harvey Mansfield title

To the Editors of The Crimson:

To aid in the furious thinking going on in the administration for a name to replace the title of "Professor Harvey C. Mansfield '53", Satire V would like to propose a College competition to decide a suitable replacement.

To start things off, we will offer a few possible new titles, including:

"Hunky Manslice";

"Husky Mensfeet";

"Hardly Meatfilled";

"Hippy Monsoon"; and

"Pompous, Condescending Marshmallow".

Opinion: The Government Can Have My Militia When They Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

In the past year, we’ve seen a lot of arguments about gun control and gun rights. I don’t want to rehash that tired old argument--I want to talk about the other Second Amendment right guaranteed by the constitution of the US of A. I’m talking about my right to a militia.

How Dare You Appropriate A Tragedy For A Political Position That Is Not Mine?

I just want to ask you all: how dare you? I am shocked--SHOCKED, I say--to find that many of you are appropriating this tragedy for political gain that I don’t personally agree with. I have seen too many Facebook statuses, Twitter links, and poorly written Tumblr posts that deviate in some slight way from my own deeply held and strangely specific ideologies.

Why can’t you just all come together to understand that I’m right?

I Just Want My Old Life Back

To My Fans,

Thank you for your admiration and support over the past couple of months. I don’t know what I did to deserve such attention and fame, but regardless I thank you all for the love you have shown me on Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Whatever those are.

Pages