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Super Bowl Viewer Wonders What’s Happening in Between the Ads

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This Sunday, 32-year-old Michael Alton has cold beer, chips and dip, and all his credit cards at the ready, prepared for the greatest television event of the year. “I wait all year for this advertisement marathon is the best!” he said. "It's nice to gather ‘round the TV with friends and debate whether or not we’d buy that car, or eat at that restaurant chain.” As for the football game that sometimes interrupts the exciting Doritos and Coca-Cola commercials, Alton remains confused. 

Popular Table at Local High School Reopens After Going Co-Ed

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a historic move, the popular boys’ table at Cambridge Rindge & Latin School has reopened after inviting girls to sit with them. The decision, which came after weeks of conflict, has been lauded by administrators and many students as a move towards improved gender inclusivity among the school’s cool population. As popular senior Tripp Martin commented, “Yeah, like, I guess we can start letting chicks sit with us at lunch. Whatever.”

Area Woman Locks Eyes with Stranger Through Bathroom Door Gap

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Tragedy struck 20 minutes ago when 32-year-old Melissa Scott was forced to make eye contact with a stranger through the gap between a bathroom stall door and the adjoining stall.

“As soon as I closed the door to the stall, I heard someone else walk in,” said Scott. “I had just sat down when, bam! Our eyes locked. There might as well have been no door at all.”

Scott reportedly felt her face flush before she could flush. “I kept waiting for her to look away, and I guess she kept waiting for me to look away, and neither of us looked away,” she recalled.

Area Student Not Sure How to Respond to Over-Enthusiastic Uber Driver

Boston, MA – Area student Michael Asher appeared visibly shaken after what he is describing as a “traumatic” Uber experience. The ride started out just like any other: Asher and his friends entered the Blue 2011 Honda Civic they had called and graciously said a quick “hello” to their driver Tamir before immediately turning their attention to their smartphones. 

Area Man Realizes Pickles Are Cucumbers

JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Local insurance salesman Joshua Douglas was shocked to discover today that pickles are in fact cucumbers.
 
"I can't believe I just realized this. I guess I just never thought about it," said Douglas. "Now that I think about it, it seems pretty obvious. I'm not sure how I missed it."
Since his discovery, Douglas has struggled to reckon with the news.
 

Area Man Struck by Powerball Odds

WILSON, NC-- As public excitement rose to fever pitch over the largest Powerball Jackpot in history, area man David West was struck by lightning multiple times as he went about his daily activities. With the odds of a winning ticket calculated as 1 in 292.2 million, West was initially struck by the inevitable force of probability while completing his usual Saturday round at the golf course.
 

Aunt Arleen Suddenly Expert in Foreign Policy

GRAND RAPIDS, MN -- Upon arriving at the McAvoy residence for his winter break, Francis McAvoy, 21, discovered that his maternal aunt Arleen Schaffer had suddenly become an expert in American foreign policy. McAvoy was impressed by his aunt's clear knowledge of the immigration crisis during a twenty-minute, red wine-driven press conference over dinner about how the U.S. should deny asylum to refugees.

Every Song Actually About Area Man’s Ex-Girlfriend

KNOXVILLE, TN--While huddled in a ball in his room and crying, local college freshman Alex Newton has reportedly discovered that every song’s lyrics actually describe his ex-girlfriend Samantha and their previous relationship.

Overly Aggressive Couple Wants You To Know They're Dating

CAMBRIDGE, MA— As the semester winds down, a new couple has emerged on campus and they want everyone to be aware that they are madly and deeply in love.

The students of Anthropology 1010 were taken aback during last Monday’s review lecture when, without notice, Sydney Wilke '16 removed herself from her chair in the middle of Professor Rowan Flad’s PowerPoint slide on the construction of stone tools and made herself a new seat on the lap of her boyfriend, Sam Sullivan '16.

Harvard Student Returns Home for Thanksgiving to "Catch Up, Grab a Meal" with Family

Sources confirmed earlier today that Eric West ’18, a Chemical and Physical Biology concentrator, has returned home for Thanksgiving to “catch up and grab a meal” with his family.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

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