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Area Boy Reassures Parents Browsing History Result of Russian Hack

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing past examples including the DNC database and Donald Trump’s election victory, local high school freshman Jacob Carter explained to his parents that the browsing history on the family computer was the result of a Russian hack.

“Mom, Dad, trust me, I’m as astounded as you are,” Carter reportedly told his parents last night. “These sites are offensive and absurd, so typical of the Russians. They’re rigging the system against hard-working students like me. They're trying to subvert us from within!”

Area Man’s Favorite Video Way Less Funny When Shown to Friends

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Minutes after falling out of his chair in laughter at what he was certain was the funniest video he’d ever seen, local student Joe Bevitt ’19 was shocked to discover his friends found it way less funny than he did.

 

Area Man Begins Crossing Sevens to Revitalize Life

KANSAS CITY, MO—Joseph Allenby, 38, a local unemployed man, has made a drastic change in his life, making the effort to begin crossing the number seven in his everyday handwriting.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” Allenby announced in an exclusive interview last week. “My wife left me a few years back, my son hates me, and I am completely out of motivation.”

Allenby says he was clearly out of touch with his former happiness. “Something needed to change.”

Enraged Area Parents Boycott Grocery Store After Cataclysmic Floor Plan Shakeup

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

Senior Talks About Thesis for 4 Hours to Avoid Election Conversation

HARRISBURG, PA – Harvard Senior and Comparative Literature Concentrator Michael Beyer spent at least four hours talking about his senior thesis at Christmas dinner in order to avoid talking about the presidential election with his close friends and relatives. In fact, Beyer spoke about the thematic variations between the works of Guy de Maupassant and Mark Twain for so long, that he was able to make it to his second piece of pie without a single passive aggressive comment about "grabbing the ham by the pussy."
 

Area Student Gets Off on Stat 110 Lectures at 2 Times the Speed

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Chancing surreptitious glances to her left and right, local Harvard student Alice Starsky was reportedly binge watching Stat 110 lectures Wednesday, her face awash with the blue light of her Macbook screen.

Area Man Doesn't Win Nobel Prize, Disappointing Mom Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a move anticipated by the scientific community, local student Aidan Smith once again failed to win any of the Nobel prizes awarded in Stockholm last week, the latest in a series of disappointments for his mother. Despite being raised perfectly well, Aidan also has not received any Nobel prizes in any of the past several years, a trend of mediocrity that dates back to 1995, the year of his birth.

Student Spends 8-9 Hours Doing Literally Nothing

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Shocking many and disturbing some, area student Jacob Prescott was seen spending eight to nine hours lying down and doing literally nothing. Indeed, after assuming his initial horizontal position and closing his eyelids, he proceeded not to move for a whopping eight hours and 40 minutes until his eyes opened again.

​TF Receives B+/A- On Judgment Day

ARMAGEDDON -- As Judgment Day has fallen upon Humanity, reports indicate that Gov 20 TF Aaron Granderson has received a B+/A- on his life.
 
"I don't really know how to interpret this," said Granderson. "Was I not good enough for an A-, and the Almighty One threw me a bone? Or was God just trying to take me down notch, because I was starting to get cocky? What does this mean?"
 

Area Mom Excited to Reclaim Facebook Newsfeed Dominance Since Election End

WESTON, MA — After learning the election news cycle has finally died down, local mother Carol Danforth was reported to be eagerly anticipating the opportunity to flood her family and friends' news feeds with life updates and Despicable Me minion quote images.

“It’s been pretty difficult these past few months. Because of all the shared election content over social media, the average likes on my food blog posts and anti-vaccine infographics has gone down from 5 to 3,” said Danforth.

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