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Area Man Unsure Whether to Wave Back

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After witnessing the furtive movement of an arm belonging to a vaguely familiar woman in the distance, local philosophy major Kevin Wang’s pulse quickly doubled. “Was this primal gesture of acknowledgement directed towards myself? In which case, I should probably respond equivalently to further this social connection,” pondered Wang ‘18. “Yet, I could also not respond, thus saving myself from hypothetical humiliation in case the wanton wave was designated for someone else.”

Kid Who Ate Glue In Kindergarten Happier Than You

In a development that has generated responses from your childhood friends as varied as “Wait, who?” and “Oh, him,” a recent bout of Facebook stalking has revealed that Stewart Benson, who, when he was five years old, drank out of a bottle of Elmer’s on a semi-regular basis, is currently enjoying life far more than you are.

First Thanksgiving Cancelled as Pilgrims Deported to Old World

Plymouth Colony, Wampanoag Confederacy—The first Plymouth Plantation harvest celebration was cancelled today when the Wampanoag tribe discovered that the Pilgrims had not properly filled out the necessary immigration paperwork.

The Wampanoag Confederacy denied the Pilgrims’ visas based on incomplete DS-260 forms. They failed to retrieve the signature of their supervisor in time for the application deadline, and thus must be deported.

Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

Area Doofus Mistakes Firetruck for Bus, Becomes Hero

Source: Getty Images

After mistakenly boarding a Cambridge firetruck Wednesday morning in place of his usual 8:58am 66 bus, 52-year-old Tommy Jackson saved a baby from a fire. 

Flamboyant Man's Grandmother Still Thinks "Gay" Means "Happy"

Local homosexual Gerald Carson was sighted aborting yet another attempt to come out to his 86-year-old grandmother in her Adult Living Apartment Complex last Sunday.
 
"I always hoped my grandson would be a gay, gay man!" gleefully remarked Eugenia Carson, marking Gerald's third failed attempt to use the word as an explanation that he felt most fulfilled when engaged in romantic and sexual relationships with other males. "At long last, my dream has been realized!"
 

Whore-o-scopes March 16 – March 23

The Freshman: If you decided to go and help starving children, or take an archaeology class in Greece over break to boost your résumé, a mysterious foreigner is about to meet the headboard of your hostel bunk.

Fig Tree Ready for Spring

As the month of March continues, at least one little tree is ready for spring.  

Standing at the corner of Plympton and Mt. Auburn, a small fig tree is bristling with snow, and "could not be happier that spring is almost here!"  

Calendars show that spring will begin on March 21st

This news comes at an important time for a variety of trees, many of which rely, like the fig tree, on sunlight and temperate climates to survive and grow.

Area Woman Feels Rushed by Automatic Toilet

Teenager Cures Cancer Using Time She Saved By Saying "Totes" Instead of "Totally"

Using all of the time saved from saying "totes" instead of “totally,” Molly Jackson, 16, has discovered the cure for cancer.

After years of saying the abbreviated word, the saved microseconds finally accumulated into enough free time for Jackson to figure out how to stop the previously uncontrollable cell growth. 

“It was nbd. Tbh idk why people are getting so cray about something I did irl,” said Jackson, who answered questions in between texting her gurls.

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