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Area Simpleton Still Typing with Two Fingers

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After the arrhythmic clicking of a keyboard continued for several minutes after his classmates had finished typing, reports have confirmed that area man John Edward '18 still types with two fucking fingers.

Despite having been born into a generation for whom computers are a norm, Edward has yet to learn the simple motor coordination pattern of utilising multiple fingers in the process of using a full QWERTY keyboard.

Smug Bastard in Hammock Probably Thinks He’s Enjoying Nice Weather More Than You

LEXINGTON, KY -– Sources report that your neighbor Doug is enjoying the beautiful weather by sitting in a hammock like a goddamned hippie.

The single 31-year-old teacher was noted saying earlier that he just really enjoys “the feeling of swaying in the breeze.” But couldn’t he just sit on the grass and be satisfied with the wind in his hair like a normal person?

Area Man Gives Up Lent

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a Facebook post released to his friends and family late last evening, area man Walter Logan announced his ambitious plans to give up Lent this year. 

"After I forgot about Ash Wednesday and the gray smudge thing I was supposed to put on my forehead, I figured I might as well scrap the whole enterprise," Logan said, tweeting his decision while eating a bar of chocolate and chainsmoking his way through a pack of Marlboros. 

Militant Girl Scouts Troop Exacts Revenge on Sadly Ignorant Customer

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Clad in green berets and multi-colored, patchwork vests, Girl Scout Troop 1524 laid siege to a colonial-style home belonging to local man Ted Smith, who had reportedly failed to pay for his order of four dozen Caramel deLites® cookies.

Muslim Man Proceeds Normally Through Airport

BOSTON, MA--Bystanders watched in stunned silence yesterday as Cambridge resident and practicing Muslim Jaleel Abassi proceeded normally through Logan Airport.

Abassi reportedly arrived in a taxi at 7:30 a.m. just outside of terminal D, holding a grande iced coffee from Starbucks in his right hand. He then retrieved his inexplicably average-sized suitcase from the cab and incomprehensibly proceeded like a normal person through the automatic doors towards security.

Super Bowl Viewer Wonders What’s Happening in Between the Ads

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This Sunday, 32-year-old Michael Alton has cold beer, chips and dip, and all his credit cards at the ready, prepared for the greatest television event of the year. “I wait all year for this advertisement marathon is the best!” he said. "It's nice to gather ‘round the TV with friends and debate whether or not we’d buy that car, or eat at that restaurant chain.” As for the football game that sometimes interrupts the exciting Doritos and Coca-Cola commercials, Alton remains confused. 

Popular Table at Local High School Reopens After Going Co-Ed

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a historic move, the popular boys’ table at Cambridge Rindge & Latin School has reopened after inviting girls to sit with them. The decision, which came after weeks of conflict, has been lauded by administrators and many students as a move towards improved gender inclusivity among the school’s cool population. As popular senior Tripp Martin commented, “Yeah, like, I guess we can start letting chicks sit with us at lunch. Whatever.”

Area Woman Locks Eyes with Stranger Through Bathroom Door Gap

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Tragedy struck 20 minutes ago when 32-year-old Melissa Scott was forced to make eye contact with a stranger through the gap between a bathroom stall door and the adjoining stall.

“As soon as I closed the door to the stall, I heard someone else walk in,” said Scott. “I had just sat down when, bam! Our eyes locked. There might as well have been no door at all.”

Scott reportedly felt her face flush before she could flush. “I kept waiting for her to look away, and I guess she kept waiting for me to look away, and neither of us looked away,” she recalled.

Area Student Not Sure How to Respond to Over-Enthusiastic Uber Driver

Boston, MA – Area student Michael Asher appeared visibly shaken after what he is describing as a “traumatic” Uber experience. The ride started out just like any other: Asher and his friends entered the Blue 2011 Honda Civic they had called and graciously said a quick “hello” to their driver Tamir before immediately turning their attention to their smartphones. 

Area Man Realizes Pickles Are Cucumbers

JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Local insurance salesman Joshua Douglas was shocked to discover today that pickles are in fact cucumbers.
 
"I can't believe I just realized this. I guess I just never thought about it," said Douglas. "Now that I think about it, it seems pretty obvious. I'm not sure how I missed it."
Since his discovery, Douglas has struggled to reckon with the news.
 

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