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Apple Patches Drunk Siri Glitch

After months of user complaints, Apple has finally released software to fix iPhone Error 02PBR20—also known as the Drunk Siri Glitch.

Local Animals Affected by Hurricane Sandy

As Hurricane Sandy ravaged the Boston area on October 29th, Harvard students hunkered down in their dorm rooms, blithely forgetting about the fortunes of the various animals who inhabit Harvard Yard. However, as it turns out, these fauna were affected just as much—if not more—than their human counterparts.

Undecided Voter Can’t Decide Between Ham, Asphalt Sandwiches

Local undecided voter Chris Papadopoulos is currently struggling to decide what to eat at Al’s Subs, having narrowed down his choices to a ham sandwich and a sandwich filled with asphalt.   

“No, I’m totally aware of the differences between ham and asphalt,” said Papadopoulos as he stood next to the register.  “I just can’t decide if I want a tasty ham sandwich or a Kaiser roll filled with hot, sticky asphalt.”

Puberty Strikes Late

Late Saturday night, the Harvard University Police Department sent out a community advisory warning local inhabitants of an attack. At approximately 23:30, Cambridge Rindge and Latin School junior Myler G. Harris was walking home from a BIDA contra dance to his home on Shepard Street. He was sidetracked when he saw a young sapling, became overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, and diligently began rehearsing his rock-step with the aforementioned tree. It was in the midst of this childish wonderment that he was assailed.

Flawed iOS6 Maps Thwarted Recent Terrorist Attack

On the morning of Monday, October 22nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.

That Guy from High School Loses First Career MMA Fight, Announces Retirement

Boston, MA - Jimmy “Wolfman” Crawford, better known as “that guy who wore a Tapout shirt every fucking day of high school,” officially announced his retirement from mixed martial arts last Saturday. The announcement came following a loss in his first career fight against fan favorite Donny “Knife-hands” O’Connor.

“There comes a time in every fighter’s life when you have to admit that you’ve given it all you’ve got and it’s time to call it quits,” said Crawford in an official press release, “It’s been a good run and I’ll always look back fondly on my time in this great sport.”

Bi-Curious George Store to Open in Cambridge

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the Curious George Store back up and running, its new owners are experimenting with new ideas.

It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About The Red Sox

Amish Develop First Nuclear Weapon

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA -- In a move sending shockwaves throughout the nation, Amish Bishop Jebodiah Grant announced the first successful test of the Pennsylvania Dutch nuclear weapons program. A model of the device, two chunks of uranium in a wooden bucket, was on display during the press conference. “Never again will the highfalutin' New Englanders look down upon the Plain people as weak,” Grant announced to a barn packed with journalists. “Today we have proven that one does not need fancy, non-mule-based technology to be powerful in this world.”

Area Civil War Re-Enactor Denied Job in Harvard Psychology Lab

Cambridge resident Freddie Lou "Stonewall" Donovan, 47, walked out of William James Hall this morning still an unemployed man after his interview to become a confederate in a Harvard psychology lab turned south.

Donovan said he was surprised when he was told that he did not have the experience necessary for the job.  "Experience!" Donovan exclaimed, "I started out as an enlisted infantryman and worked my way up to playing Stonewall Jackson. I don't know who they'll find with more experience than that!"