SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Freshman

TF Actually Doesn’t Know The Difference Between MLA and Chicago, Was Just Bluffing

Quietly snickering after collecting her students’ essays for Aesthetic and Interpretive Understanding 64: The Canterbury Tales, local teaching fellow Judith Klenderman told reporters Monday that she actually doesn’t know the difference between MLA and Chicago citation styles, and “couldn’t care less” which of the styles her students had chosen to use.

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

Freshman Narrowly Prevents Parents Seeing Beer-Filled Room

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

Elm Yard UC Candidate Promises Development Plan for Scotland

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

Freshman Takes 9 Midterms In One Day

Freshman Sarah Schultz, ’17, was surprised to find she took nine midterms last Friday, the majority of which were for classes in which she was not even enrolled. Miss Schultz had her Ec 10 and LS1A midterms on the same day but ended up taking an extra seven midterms without even realizing it.

"Facebook Famous" Freshman Eats Dinner Alone in Annenberg

Jerry Harper, a freshman who has befriended over 65% of the class of 2017 on Facebook, has eaten dinner alone in Annenberg for the 30th time this semester.

Freshmen Bring Back Memories For Grizzled Old Man

Franklin Scheub, a grizzled old man well-known throughout the environs of Harvard Square, reminisced as the Class of 2017 moved into their dorms and oriented themselves with college life.

“Oh, the memories I have,” said the senior, his beady black eyes peering out from his wrinkled visage and bushy white eyebrows as he raised a mug of black Au Bon Pain coffee with his trembling hands.  “So many things.  And this year, I remember all of it.”

Canaday Resident Really Doesn’t Get Why Canaday Is So Bad

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

Freshman Found after Month-Long Search

 

In an event that concluded a month of exhaustive searches by the Harvard University Police Department, freshman Griffin Woodson was found wandering Cambridge Common. The student had first reported himself missing on an evening in early September, after leaving his dorm room in search of a local restaurant.

Pages