B10 IN THE 'BERG—In a display of administrative authority, Oak Yard Dean Madeline Currie placed Jake R. Laferty '21 on an unspecified leave of absence after the Thayer resident somehow managed to fuck up his veritaffle for the ninth brunch in a row. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Prefrosh Max R. Jacobs ’22, who attended Eleganza this weekend, is wondering whether going to the show counted as losing his virginity.

 Jacobs had low expectations when his host, Ryan C. Lee '19, invited him to “a dance fashion show, I guess?” at the Bright Landry Hockey Center. But after Eleganza had ended, Jacobs was surprised to find that he might no longer be a virgin.

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s Johnston Gate, which was erected in 1889 and is still erect all these years later, finally went to see a doctor.

Dr. Kevin L. Bradley, Johnston’s primary physician, could not believe how long the gate had been erect. “Usually, if a gate is erect for 40 years or more we recommend it goes to see a doctor right away, especially when it’s not wood,” he said.

THE YARD — Two prospective members of the Class of 2022—one of whom took the SAT and the other of whom took the ACT—found during Visitas that they had literally nothing to talk about.

Sarah E. Kim, a 17-year-old from Connecticut, got a 1580 on her SAT. Matt R. Murphy, an 18-year-old from Iowa, got a 36 on his ACT. Once it became apparent that standardized test scores would not work as a conversation starter, Kim and Murphy realized they do not know anything about any other topics.

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.

Dressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the "transformative new initiative."

By a white man in the East Asian Studies department

When I first began my academic career in East Asian Studies in Fong Auditorium (that’s Chinese for “capacity: 144”), I thought to myself, “Chad, are people going to think that your interest in Asian culture is due to a buried fascination with the exotified other?”