By the Red Shuttle

Greetings, comrades of Harvard Polytechnik Universitet. Or as is genuine American youth salutation, “What is up, my fam?” I am Student Land Ambulation Vehicle (SLAV) #13, but you may call me…Jim. 

Jim would like to assure you that Jim is just ordinary shuttle and NOT artificially-intelligent surveillance platform deployed by Kremlin to Harvard campus to monitor activity of burgeoning capitalists. This is common misconception. 

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.— In the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp, the progressive movement has more heroes in its ranks. The Harvard Lampoon continues to benefit from an old boys' network that shovels its writers into the professional comedy world, but current Lampoon members admit they’re kinda sad about it.

Wow, what a courageous stance!

HARVARD SQUARE — Wholesome Fresh, a casual restaurant-convenience store hybrid that started in Rhode Island, opened its doors Thursday morning and is definitely not hiding anything. 

Like Market in the Square, which previously occupied the property, Wholesome Fresh offers fresh food. Unlike Market in the Square, it is entirely wholesome and is not doing anything illegal, like not paying rent, which must be true because it has a nice-sounding name.

By your IM rep

Hey, house friends! We just need ONE more girl for IM volleyball tonight!! Come join us at the QRAC at 6pm or we will be forced to shoot a hostage!

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Andrew R. Gray '20, walking down Plympton St. after his 10 a.m. lecture in Sever Hall, reportedly stopped and said hello to Samantha P. Gardner '20, an okay friend of one of his blockmates, as she passed by in the other direction.  

Onlookers’ responses to the quick exchange varied, from shock and confusion to wonder and delight. “Huh, I typically just contort my mouth in a bizarre, only partially expressive way when I pass someone I know but don’t really know on the street,” said Sarah E. Johnson '18.

AUSTINE & CHILTON MCDONNELL COMMON ROOM—In a move that shocked the global mathematics community Thursday evening, the Harvard Department of Mathematics managed to prove that they definitely aren’t sexist by counterexample.

“If we were sexist, we wouldn’t hire any female professors. Since we have hired a female professor, we aren’t sexist. QED,” read an official statement issued by several senior faculty members in the Math Department. “For all the ladies out there, that’s a little tool called the contrapositive.”