CAMBRIDGE, MA – After lamenting the lack of girls at Phi Beta Rho parties, pledge master Michael R. Jones '19 created a girls-only policy so strict that he accidentally created a safe space for women.

The new policy took hold after a Phi Beta Rho business meeting last week, at which Jones discussed his grievances. "None of the brothers have gotten laid in so long," he explained. "A minimum 10:1 girl-to-guy ratio would guarantee at least a couple of chicks willing to overlook our casual misogyny and obvious sense of entitlement.”

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. - Desperate for money to cover airfare to the national championships, the Harvard Classics, Harvard's top club basketball team, has decided to add “Department of” to its name in a strategic ploy for university funding.

By Tim "Drew Gilpin Faust" Cook

Dear Members of the Harvard community,

As you are aware, I am resigning from my role as the president of Harvard University. On June 30, 2018, I will complete my 11th year of service, and the Harvard Campaign will reach its conclusion.

This was a difficult decision, but I think that it was the right one for one simple reason: I am actually also Apple CEO Tim Cook, and my entire life is a lie.

HARVARD SQUARE- The Harvard community was reportedly shocked to learn that—contrary to its name's implication—the newest Harvard Square establishment, Blue Bottle Coffee, does not have any actual blue bottles.

When interviewed, workers at the Plympton Street café did not attempt to hide the flagrant false advertising. “Oh yeah, I guess I’ve never thought about it,” said barista Harriet P. Flannigan.

By the MHASP Punchmaster 

Bro! You gotta punch The Mission Hill Afteschool Program. You will not regret it.

Dawg, I promise if you punch, you will have a sick time. Initiations kind of suck because they lock you in a room for five hours and drone on about how to handle yourself when responsible for six- to eleven-year-old children. But, ma dude, after that you are part of the squad, and the squad is a tribe, and the tribe is a family, and the family is a volunteer organization centered around community youth development in the Mission Hill, Massachusetts, area.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bleary-eyed Department of Justice lawyer Mackenzie L. Iverson, who is part of the team investigating Harvard's admissions practices, could not contain her excitement about reading yet another Common App essay on the theme of passion.