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Report: All Your Snapchat Friends Are at Exact Same Beach, Sharing Exact Same Piña Colada

THE DARK JEALOUSY SPIRAL OF SOCIAL MEDIA—Reports surfaced on Friday that all of your Snapchat friends are at the exact same beach sharing the exact same piña colada right now.
Even though Jamie told you that she was going to Paris for spring break, and Kevin said that he was heading to Hong Kong, and Bethany said that she was en route to New Orleans, somehow all of them—in addition to literally everybody else that you know—ended up at the same beach using the same geofilter.

Report: Leslie Kirwan Fucking Loves Weather

Leslie Kirwan
CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Reports surfaced this week that Leslie Kirwan, the Dean for Administration and Finance of Harvard University, fucking loves weather.
Kirwan's first 17 emails—announcing that the Faculty of Arts and Sciences would have a decision soon about whether they would have a decision soon about whether they would soon be deciding to close operations due to snowfall—merely indicated that she has a passing interest in whatever is coming out of the sky at any given moment.

Chip Skylark Awarded Tenure at Harvard Dental School

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The faculty of the Harvard School of Dental Medicine announced today that renowned research dentist and oral health care advocate Chip Skylark has been awarded tenure.
The move comes as no surprise since Skylark has been a leading dental scholar for nearly two decades. His landmark 2002 book, My Shiny Teeth and Me: Examining the Effect of Good Oral Hygiene on Self-Esteem (Dimmsdale University Press), is required reading in every introductory dental course. 

Now I Know What Hell Feels Like, and It's My 3 Roommates Practicing Acoustic Guitar at the Same Time

Acoustic guitar is a thing of beauty. From the elegant vibrations created by its nylon strings to its polished mahogany finish, an acoustic guitar can be heavenly both to the touch and to the ears. When you each carried in your deluxe, hard-shell guitar cases on move-in day, I felt blessed to be a part of the talented and diverse Harvard community.

However, tonight, as I am forced to listen as you all attempt to play "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen in unison 14 times in a row, I can safely say that I now know what hell feels like.

Confused Blocking Group Sorted into Cabot Library

Harvard Science Center and Cabot Science Library

Cambridge, MA –– Amid the raucous Housing Day festivities, one blocking group was left in a state of confusion after getting placed in the Cabot Science Library for the next three years.

While others around their entryway were stormed by screaming upperclassmen in various states of undress and insobriety, Jason R. McManus '21 and his blocking group were left with nothing but a note slipped under their door by a Securitas guard informing them of their housing results.

Student Going Home for Spring Break Plans All-Out Banger in Suburban New Jersey

welcome to new jersey sign
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Senior Mallory L. Johnson '18 is planning an all-out banger of a spring break at her family's two-bedroom apartment in the suburban New Jersey town of Marlboro.
"A lot of people I know are going skiing in the Alps or on a tropical vacation, but things can get pretty crazy right here in Marlboro," said Johnson. "Why, just last week the local diner announced that the early bird special now includes an entree, soup, and the salad bar!"

Student Discovers Participation in Section Monitored, Is Suddenly an Authority on Napoleonic Wars

SEVER 104—After 10 weeks spending his history section playing and texting impassioned requests for mac and cheese to HUDS, Charles B. Cotton ’19 downloaded the course’s syllabus on Wednesday and learned that participation counted for 10% of his grade.

Do This Incredibly Painstaking Task and I May Give You a Single Cookie

a cookie
Greetings, Facebook followers and supposed friends. The time has come for you to prove yourself to me and earn my affection. No need to fret. Your effort will be greatly rewarded: In return, I may be willing to provide you with one singular Baked Good.

Hey, I Think It’s Great You’re Sexiling Me, but I’m Fucking Dying

By your sexiled roommate

Hey, Ralph! It’s been so great being your roommate. I’m really excited to spend the rest of the year together! There’s just this one teeny-tiny thing I need to discuss with you. Oh, wait, no, it's not blocking! Yeah, haha, I'm blocking with my FOP friends. That's not even what I wanted to tell you.

HCFA and HFAC Merge, Become Shitty Speakers Club

Warped Logan Paul at Harvard Commencement

UNIVERSITY HALL, CAMBRIDGE—Unveiling the new plan before the Office of Student Life, Harvard College Faith in Action (HCFA) and Harvard Financial Analysts Club (HFAC) have concluded their merger into the Shitty Speakers Club.

HCFA and HFAC, despite having no similarities, have found common ground in their interest in inviting ill-advised speakers to campus.