In a daring speech that put his political legacy on the line, Congressman
Dennis Kucinich has blown open the long festering debate over human-elf relations.

“For many years I have tried to come to grips with my past,” said a teary-eyed Kucinich. “But I can no more deny my elf heritage than I can deny my white grandmother, who is also an elf.”

It's no wonder that the citizens of Idaho, known for eating raw potatoes like apples and wearing Mr. Potato Head accessories, overwhelmingly favored Idaho potatoes in the recent Democratic primary. Explains Idaho governor Butch Otter, "Potatoes have no history of drug abuse, potatoes didn't vote in favor of the war, and potatoes never looked the other way when their husband got head from a fat chick.

The Republican Congressional minority was shaken yesterday, after the revelation that one of their own was not a closeted homosexual.

In a tearful press conference that afternoon, Senator Buck Newport admitted that he has never cheated on his wife with another man, attempted
to seduce young pages in his employ, or solicit sex in the men’s bathroom by tapping twice on an adjacent stall. Most shockingly, Grassley went on to confess that he is not even a closeted homosexual.

PALO ALTO, CA — According to a report released by Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Foley (R-Florida) has poked an extraordinary 40,000 underage males on Facebook.

“First I thought Mini-feed announcing
when I shat was scary. Then I got poked by Mark Foley,” said Tom Baker, a 17-year-old Facebook user. “What’s next? Facebook telling me I just got fingered by Mark Foley?”

In an attempt to replace the striking
WGA, the AMPTP has purchased one million monkeys and set them in front of one million typewriters. Thus far, the experiment has not gone well.

“The monkeys have no absolutely no grasp of format,” said Nick Counter,
the president of the AMPTP. They have also shown a tendency to ignore the preferred fonts, and have outright refused to respect traditional margin size. “Charlie Sheen doesn’t have time to interpret this freeform drivel. Humph!” commented a disgruntled Charlie Sheen.

The pedophile community last week expressed dismay over the recent rise in childhood obesity, adding its voice to the chorus of physicians and dieticians concerned with expanding waistlines in our schools.

A group of local teens were reportedly
crestfallen after their deaf, dumb, and blind friend, Arnie Marcus, proved himself completely inept at Pinball. Dashing expectations set by The Who’s “Pinball Wizard,” Marcus showed no signs of smelling the ball, tilted a number of times, had difficulty getting the quarter into the machine, and somehow broke his foot.