HANOVER, NH - Seeking to silence mounting criticism of his lackluster debate performances, Rick Perry delivered an aggressive showing and handily won Tuesday night's Republican debate at Dartmouth College after he shot Congressman Ron Paul in the face.

The stage was set when a question submitted via Twitter asking Perry to clarify his stance on granting illegal immigrants gun rights. The Texas governor used the question to highlight his strong support of the Second Amendment, noting his ownership of a concealed-weapons permit.

MANCHESTER, NH - Mitt Romney announced at a press conference today that Harvard professor of economics N. Gregory Mankiw would be joining his campaign as an adviser, but that the two would be speaking only "four-at most five-times" this semester.

"We'll make a great team! Professor Mankiw knows that the way to sell textbooks is to always release new editions, and when it comes to selling myself to Republican voters, I take the same approach," Romney said before mouthing the words "healthcare" and "abortion" and then winking.

In a joint statement yesterday, the leaders of the major corporations that produce healthy foods and snacks vowed to make the taste of their products a priority in the upcoming fiscal year. "It's certainly something we're looking into changing," says Ted Jacobson, CEO of Sun Valley Foods, Inc. "We realize that the soul-sucking, stomach-crippling, dearth of flavor which we find so appealing is not very attractive to the market."

A special taskforce on National Parks and Monuments announced major renovations will be made to South Dakota landmark Mt. Rushmore in the coming year.

The group's spokesperson, Obama Girl, said at a press conference yesterday that construction will begin this month on a project to remove the faces of Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt from the monument, and add a full-body sculpture of the 44th President reclining on his side.

The decision has yet to be made whether or not President Obama will be clothed in this colossal rendering. 

After returning from her trip to Europe, Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, was outraged at the White House's abuse of her twelve pet cats, which remained in Washington during the trip. Despite no obvious physical damage to the cats, or any damage at all, Secretary Napolitano contends that in her absence, her "life companions" suffered "grave
emotion distress."

After 13 seasons, the creators of the popular television series South Park have decided to call it quits after officially making fun of every conceivable population group. Following last week's episode poking fun at Armenian pastry chefs with Parkinson's disease, show co-creator Trey Parker explained the decision to a stunned television audience. "We've simply run out
of people to make fun of. Every country, region, race, profession, disease and way of life has found its way into an episode.

When Michael Steele accused Sasha Obama of being anti-Semitic last week, it seemed the RNC chairman had made the political gaffe of the century. Now, it is becoming clear that the comment was all part of an incredibly shrewd political maneuver.

Flashback to a month ago, when Steele said in an interview, "I'm a very cause-and-effect kind of guy. If I do something there's a reason for it. It may look like a mistake or a gaffe. But there's a rationale, there's a logic behind it." The political community responded with laughs.

Five hours into his first day as a cab driver, Scott McKinney is already uncertain as to whether he will continue in the profession.

"I was pretty happy to get the job, given the recession," McKinney admits. "But I never realized how many private struggles cabbies go through. When exactly am I going to get to pee? I've been holding it all day."

I've been trying for weeks. I'm on a strict diet, and I've stuck to my schedule like glue. I just can't do it."

UC Berkeley student Alan Shepard has a serious problem. Despite numerous dealings with peer pressure and influences from the media, Shepard has yet to develop a smoking habit. Added Shepard, "Yuck, my fingers smell disgusting. I hope I don't have to shake hands with anyone for a while."

Despite frequent criticisms of his
Middle East policy, President-Elect Barack Obama has taken a brazen step in
appointing one of the seminal figures in Judaism today to the highest foreign
policy position in the nation.

Representatives of the GOP have
been quick to issue criticism of Obama's decision. Joe Lieberman (ID-CT) spoke
to reporters earlier this week regarding speculation of Moses' appointment,
describing him as "not the Jew to lead us through the 21^st
century."