After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

BURBANK, CA--At an appearance on a daytime talk show to commemorate National Coming Out Day this past Thursday, President Barack Obama finally came out as a Muslim.

“I’ve always struggled trying to define myself,” he explained on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to host Ellen DeGeneres.  “Back in high school, I always got so uncomfortable when my classmates made fun of the one openly Muslim boy.  ‘Should I try to be like them?’ I asked myself.  But, in my heart, I knew that one day I would have to embrace my identity.”

Detroit, MI—nearly 40 years after Teamsters’ Union leader Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance, Federal investigators have discovered his body buried in a Detroit-area cemetery. Hoffa, who is believed to have been killed in 1975 over a dispute with the mafia about the Teamsters’ Union’s pension fund, was found beneath a granite headstone marked “James Riddle Hoffa”. Investigators are currently investigating the significance of the name for clues on who might have hidden the body in the cemetery, hoping that it will lead them to Hoffa’s killer.

SESAME STREET- Elmo from Sesame Street has gone on the lam after vowing to kill Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Elmo, who was watching the first presidential debate on local aristocrat Count van Count’s TV with several other residents of the street, reportedly flew into a rage when Romney stated that, although he loved Big Bird, he would pull funding from PBS.