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Al Qaeda "Just Not Excited" About Mitt Romney

After Mitt Romney's slight resurgence in the polls last weekend, radical Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda released a statement condemning the candidate for being "too boring for anyone to give a camel shit."

Bureau of Labor Statistics Releases Mistaken Unemployment Figures Counting Sex Acts as Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC - A recent, highly criticized study by the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics claims that the national unemployment rate has been hovering somewhere between 40 to 45 percent since the 2008 financial crisis.

The findings, which vastly contradict all previous BLS estimates, came as a huge surprise to most experts studying macroeconomic conditions.

New Daylight Savings Figures Send Shock Waves Through Stock Market

NEW YORK, NY -- The stock market plunged last week after it was announced that American consumers would go ahead with daylight savings. Market observers had expected the government to announce a halt to the annual Daylight Savings Program (DSP) in order to stimulate the economy amidst fears that the U.S. would slip into another recession. The disappointing news triggered a huge stock sell-off as investors scrambled to get out of the market and arrest their losses.

Occupy the White House Enters 35th Month

WASHINGTON, DC - It will be four years ago this January that, filled with vague, unfocused anger at the status quo, Barack Obama decided to do something about it: he decided to occupy the White House.

"Our democracy was fundamentally broken," Obama said. "No one in power was paying any attention to us before this movement. It had gotten to the point where the only way to have a voice in this country was to Occupy the White House."

And that's why, on January 20, 2009, Barack Obama left his comfortable Chicago mansion to camp out fulltime at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Facebook Complains that New Users Suck

PALO ALTO, CA - In a written statement released today, Facebook called the new users that joined the social networking site this past month "confusing" and "hard to get used to," expressing a desire to restore Facebook to its prior state.

"I don't understand why we need these people," Facebook CEO and founder Mark Zuckerberg said. "We had a really good thing going with our old users, and these new people just don't make any sense." 

Durham Bulls Downgraded to AA+

DURHAM, NC - In a historic move, the Durham Bulls, a minor league affiliate of the Tampa Bay Rays, has been downgraded from its status as a "AAA" baseball team, and has been reclassified "AA+" by the National Association of Professional Baseball Leagues.  This is the first time in the Bulls' history that the team has been classified anything other than AAA.

Rick Perry Kills in GOP Debate

HANOVER, NH - Seeking to silence mounting criticism of his lackluster debate performances, Rick Perry delivered an aggressive showing and handily won Tuesday night's Republican debate at Dartmouth College after he shot Congressman Ron Paul in the face.

The stage was set when a question submitted via Twitter asking Perry to clarify his stance on granting illegal immigrants gun rights. The Texas governor used the question to highlight his strong support of the Second Amendment, noting his ownership of a concealed-weapons permit.

Mankiw to Advise Romney Campaign Only Four Times per Semester

MANCHESTER, NH - Mitt Romney announced at a press conference today that Harvard professor of economics N. Gregory Mankiw would be joining his campaign as an adviser, but that the two would be speaking only "four-at most five-times" this semester.

"We'll make a great team! Professor Mankiw knows that the way to sell textbooks is to always release new editions, and when it comes to selling myself to Republican voters, I take the same approach," Romney said before mouthing the words "healthcare" and "abortion" and then winking.

Health Food Industry Pledges to Make Products Taste Good

In a joint statement yesterday, the leaders of the major corporations that produce healthy foods and snacks vowed to make the taste of their products a priority in the upcoming fiscal year. "It's certainly something we're looking into changing," says Ted Jacobson, CEO of Sun Valley Foods, Inc. "We realize that the soul-sucking, stomach-crippling, dearth of flavor which we find so appealing is not very attractive to the market."

Obama to Replace Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt on Mt. Rushmore

A special taskforce on National Parks and Monuments announced major renovations will be made to South Dakota landmark Mt. Rushmore in the coming year.

The group's spokesperson, Obama Girl, said at a press conference yesterday that construction will begin this month on a project to remove the faces of Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt from the monument, and add a full-body sculpture of the 44th President reclining on his side.

The decision has yet to be made whether or not President Obama will be clothed in this colossal rendering.