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Fox News Changes Strategy After Reza Aslan Interview

Following a recent television interview with scholar Reza Aslan about his right as a Muslim to write about Jesus Christ despite his four advanced degrees and expertise in religious scholarship, Fox News has released a statement drastically changing their operations plan.

Department of Motor Vehicles Employee Turned Leaker Tells All

In the too-distant-to-be-relevant wake of the Edward Snowden NSA leak scandal, Department of Motor Vehicles employee Buddy Harcott has come forward to reveal secret information about his own employer. As the only news source that took him up on the offer, SatireV has exclusive coverage of these secrets. 

Race-Blind America Keeps Walking Into Racial Walls, Falling Over Racial Objects

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.

Paranoid Man Trying Desperately to Connect San Francisco Crash and NSA Scandal

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.

Small Texas Town Wasn’t Blown Up, Still Would Like Attention

The  town of Roscoe, Texas, announced on Wednesday that, although it did not suffer an enormous fertilizer plant explosion, it still wouldn’t mind a little attention every once in a while.

“I’m not saying we’re a New York City or a Dickinson, but a hello now and then would be nice,” said mayor Brett Calvin, who also serves as the deputy dogcatcher.

NFL Draft Dodgers Flee to Canadian Football League

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.

Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.

Republican Party Not Racially Diverse, Just Tan

After a wild spring break, which included a cruise to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, and Cuba, the Republican Party has released a statement emphasizing that they “are not more racially diverse—just tan.”

“We all enjoyed a nice recess from Congress,” reads the statement released Thursday, “but someone forgot to pack the sunscreen, and we all experienced the unfortunate effects of a strong Caribbean sun.”

Girls Say Snapchat Improves Self-Esteem

In a recent study conducted by biological social linguistic psychologist Fem I. Nine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have found a strong correlation between use of the mobile app “Snapchat” and heightened levels of self-esteem among young women.

Study Finds Humans Share More DNA with Lima Beans than Chimpanzees

Rockville, MD — Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute today announced that they had completed the sequencing of the genome of Phaseolus lunatus, better known as the lima bean. Preliminary findings, to be published in the journal Nature next month, seem to indicate that our species shares more genes with the South American legume than with chimpanzees.