In a recent study conducted by biological social linguistic psychologist Fem I. Nine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have found a strong correlation between use of the mobile app “Snapchat” and heightened levels of self-esteem among young women.

Rockville, MD — Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute today announced that they had completed the sequencing of the genome of Phaseolus lunatus, better known as the lima bean. Preliminary findings, to be published in the journal Nature next month, seem to indicate that our species shares more genes with the South American legume than with chimpanzees.

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”

CHICAGO, IL- Today, revolutionary entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed her

self-reported “deepest, darkest secret” to a studio audience today during the taping of

her daily afternoon show.

“I’m the greatest,” she started off. “I have literally changed the world. I’m super

fucking rich, I have a boyfriend named Steadman (not to mention some Gayle on the

side), I give away cars to menopausal women on a regular basis, and,” she took a

moment of dramatic pause at this point, “I founded and currently run an earth-