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Randy Bullock Wins Close Fantasy Matchup

Randy Bullock, kicker for the Houston Texans, came away with a narrow victory over his frat brother Thad last night in a matchup that boiled down to his final field goal attempt in the dying seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday Night Football.

Ashton Kutcher Saves Two and a Half Men

In a moment of heroism, actor Asthon Kutcher managed to salvage three men from a brutal train wreck, though one escaped with only his torso intact.

After the driver of the train lost control in a cocaine-fueled rage that derailed the locomotive from its already shaky tracks, Kutcher tried desperately to revive the maimed man with his trademark combination of witty humor and youthful sex appeal.

Lincoln Statue: It Was Nice To Have Some “Personal Time.”

Giant Lincoln, who has pretended to be an emotionless statue since 1922, has expressed “immense gratitude” for the chance to be alone for “five, ten minutes, tops” as the government was shut down.

The 50 foot tall Lincoln, who hasn’t been able to spend a night or day by himself in almost 100 years, had been extremely sexually frustrated as “it just wouldn’t be right to do it in front of the security guards.  And that giant legislative dome just staring me in the face.”

Cash4Eggs

Hey Harvard students!  Looking for some extra cash this school year?  Want a tax-deductible job?  Have extra eggs? 

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Jar Jar Binks-Centered Film Surprisingly Well Recieved

Initially skeptical Star Wars fans were shocked earlier this week at their lack of outrage following the release of Star Wars Episode VII: Call of the Gungan.

“Huh,” said Henry Kaminer.

Popes: Where Are They Now?

Clement I
Dead

Eusebius
Dead

Sixtus III
Dead

Benedict XIII 

Expelled from Avignon; dead.

Anastasius IV
Believed to be dead; may be living incognito in Paris out of fear of White Revolution.

Martin V
Dead

Clement IX-XIV
All dead.

John Paul II
In process of canonization. Still dead though.

Mayor Cat Mauled by Dog, Paws Point to Political Motives

The Office of Mayor Cat claims that last week’s attack on Stubbs the cat, mayor of Talkeetna, AK, was politically motivated. On his way to the office last week, a loose dog mauled Stubbs, sending Stubbs to the vet. To few, this comes as a surprise; Stubbs has made some formidable canine foes during his 16 years in office.

God Still Unsure About 2000-Year-Old Voicemail

Nearly 2000 years later, God is still unsure about a voicemail he received when he entered his office on Easter Sunday, 33 BC.

Czech Checks Chechen in Checkers

Charleston, S.C.: At Charleston Church, a Czech checked a cheeky Chechen in the Charleston Chapter Chess and Checker Championships.   As children cheered and chanted from their chairs, Charlie Chladek (the Czech) chatted cheerily with Chechnya’s Czeslaw Chernov and chewed Cheerios.   Suddenly, choosing a checker, Chladek charged like a chariot, chipping away at cherry-cheeked Czeslaw’s checkers—thus,  Czeslaw was chastened by the cheery chastisement by the Chief of Checkers.  The cherubic children chanted, and from chimney, chills chased down Czeslaw’s chest.  Finally, in the chiaroscuro of

“Game of Thrones: American Accents Edition” Shows Low Ratings

 HBO executives are reconsidering a decision to broadcast the third season of their popular fantasy series, Game of Thrones, using solely American accents, following record-low ratings for the season premiere. The show’s actors, who until recently interpreted their roles mainly with various accents of the British Isles, were instructed by HBO’s higher-ups to employ more American, less formal voices during filming, in an attempt to give the franchise wider appeal to its U.S. audience. The move was met with disapproval by fans at home and abroad, including Cambridge local Devin Rodgers.

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