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God Still Unsure About 2000-Year-Old Voicemail

Nearly 2000 years later, God is still unsure about a voicemail he received when he entered his office on Easter Sunday, 33 BC.

Czech Checks Chechen in Checkers

Charleston, S.C.: At Charleston Church, a Czech checked a cheeky Chechen in the Charleston Chapter Chess and Checker Championships.   As children cheered and chanted from their chairs, Charlie Chladek (the Czech) chatted cheerily with Chechnya’s Czeslaw Chernov and chewed Cheerios.   Suddenly, choosing a checker, Chladek charged like a chariot, chipping away at cherry-cheeked Czeslaw’s checkers—thus,  Czeslaw was chastened by the cheery chastisement by the Chief of Checkers.  The cherubic children chanted, and from chimney, chills chased down Czeslaw’s chest.  Finally, in the chiaroscuro of

“Game of Thrones: American Accents Edition” Shows Low Ratings

 HBO executives are reconsidering a decision to broadcast the third season of their popular fantasy series, Game of Thrones, using solely American accents, following record-low ratings for the season premiere. The show’s actors, who until recently interpreted their roles mainly with various accents of the British Isles, were instructed by HBO’s higher-ups to employ more American, less formal voices during filming, in an attempt to give the franchise wider appeal to its U.S. audience. The move was met with disapproval by fans at home and abroad, including Cambridge local Devin Rodgers.

Deeply Entrenched Patriarchy Apologizes to Women Everywhere

In light of a recent apology by rapper and this year’s Yardfest artist Tyga for such lyrics as “shut the fuck up and jump on this dick” and “need a bitch that can fuck, cook, clean right” – denounced by critics as potentially “misogynistic” – another alleged source of female oppression has issued a surprising statement of remorse. During his lunch break this past Tuesday, Senior Vice President Mike J.

Emaciated Joe Mazur returns to Satire V

After a five-month captivity in a Wellesley POW camp, Joe Mazur has returned to Satire V’s sweet embrace.

“I’m so cold,” said Mazur, shivering in Satire V’s arms.  “But I…I never stopped thinking about you.”

Melinda Gates’ Dildo Challenge

Following her husband’s $100,000 grant offer for the design of a “next generation condom,” Melinda Gates has issued a challenge of her own, causing many start-ups to scramble in order to get a head start in what looks to be a stiff competition.

The $2,318,008 prize will be given to the individual or team that “designs the dildo—classic, vibrator, or strap-on—that best satisfies the needs of a lonely rich woman whose husband spends so much damn time on his precious foundation.”

ESPN Launches College of Cardinals Bracket

Soon after Pope Benedict XVI announced that he would resign by the end of February, the College of Cardinals immediately geared up for what is shaping up to be the best March Madness since the famous “Crazy Conclave” of 1963 that ended with the come-from-behind win of the surprise underdog, Giovanni Battista Enrico Antonio Maria Montini, who after his victory celebrations took on the name Paul da Sixth.

Things Harvard is Giving Up for Lent

Smartphone Users Reporting Snapchat Messages from Bigfoot

“At first, I started getting a lot of pictures and videos of trees from someone I didn’t know.  But then one day, I saw a picture of a big hairy face” said Veronica Slain of Boulder, CO.  She is one of several people who claim to be receiving messages from “Bigfoot” on the popular smartphone app, Snapchat.  Snapchat is an app that allows users to send pictures or short videos that disappear forever after being viewed by other users.

Ke$ha Marries, Decides to Become Housewife

LOS ANGELES, CA --  News has leaked that pop star Ke$ha held a secret wedding ceremony in Smith Baptist Church located in Scranton, PA, the hometown of her new groom, earlier this week. Court documents show that she is now legally the bride of a mild-mannered male nurse named Kirk Snaught, whom she met at her weekly Lamaze class.

“It’s something I can never explain. We were both not pregnant, both interested in Lamaze for recreational and educational purposes; I mean, I don’t know what it was, but I knew the connection was instant and deep.”

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