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Satire V Staff Writer Finds “ The One Tasteful Tight-End Joke” in Aaron Hernandez Debacle

Nicholas Brixby, class of 2016, has reportedly discovered the only “tasteful” joke in existence relating Aaron Hernandez’s former position as a tight end for the New England Patriots to his imminent status as a high-security prison inmate.

 

Drew Faust Covers Herself in Crude Oil, Slips Past Divest Harvard Protesters

In a successful attempt to get past the Divest Harvard blockade of her office, on Tuesday morning Harvard President Drew G. Faust covered herself in crude oil and ran through the crowd of protesters.

“We tried to stop her, but we couldn’t get a good hold on her,” lamented Divest Harvard co-coordinator Talia Rothstein ’17. “She was just too damn slippery.”

"We didn't even notice her before it was too late," added another protester, who asked to remain anonymous. "She was like a shadow. An oily, oily shadow."

Op-Ed: Dismantle Harvard Now

 

It's time to talk about dismantling Harvard. Its existence is premised on exclusivity, which is central to its role in the American social landscape. Being a Harvard student signifies fitting into an elite social circle that rejects subpar classmates. Only abolition of Harvard will show true commitment to inclusion and respect.

Gov Concentrators Can’t Follow Baseball After Pace Quickens

In an effort to speed up the notoriously slow pace of the game, Major League Baseball recently announced some changes to its pace of play rules, such as mandating that batters keep at least one foot in the batter’s box, timing pitching changes, a quickly returning to play after TV commercials. MLB hopes this will alleviate its increasing average game length in order to attract and retain more viewers. 

Lies Harvard Students Tell and What They Actually Mean

Harvard lingo is sometimes hard to pick up on. Below, Satire V has provided a list of common phrases you'll hear on campus and what they really mean.


I'm too busy to hang out.

I want to spend the next three hours on buzzfeed hating myself.

 

We should get a meal sometime soon. 

Let’s never get a meal.

 

I’m just too busy to have a relationship. 

I am too busy until I find someone that can meet my incredibly high standards. 

Coakley’s Bid for Commencement Speaker Unsuccessful

On Monday Martha Coakley suffered yet another loss as former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was chosen as the speaker for Harvard’s 364th  Commencement despite Coakley’s bid for the position.

“I give up. I just give up,” said Coakley, who recently lost a bid for Massachusetts Governor and in 2010 lost a special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat. “I’m starting to think this stuff just isn’t my forte.”

Instructor-Student Sex Ban "Obviously" Doesn't Apply to Tenured Professors

Cambridge, MA—Following two weeks of numerous frantic calls and e-mails from professors, teaching fellows, and weirdly enthusiastic undergraduates, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences’ Committee on Sexual Misconduct Policies made a statement today that the ban on student-faculty sexual relationships announced this month “obviously” didn’t apply to professors with tenure.

Accidentally Deleted ‘B’ Leads to Dozens of Freshmen Comping Sheep Erotica Distributor

Cambridge, MA--- In Harvard’s biggest scandal since the editor of Simplicissimus referred to the Slavic Studies Department as “treacherous, communistic untermenschen,” a traumatized horde of freshmen, predominantly composed of skinny white guys wearing ironic t-shirts, was seen wandering around Harvard Square Sunday morning, shaking their heads and occasionally moaning, “Oh God, I thought only cows had udders,” after each of them had accidentally attempted to join the staff of The Harvard Lamb Poon, a student-run production company that has brought comfort to thousands of lonely rams and yo

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

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