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Greek Government to Sing When Tipped

Taking a cue from Cold Stone Creamery, the International Monetary Fund, the European Union, and the European Central Bank are requiring the Greek government to sing one of several jaunty tunes whenever it receives a gratuity, in exchange for further monetary aid. The lenders hope that the jingles, as part of a string of new austerity measures, will encourage tourists and sovereign nations to give small donations to the debt-ridden country, allowing it to pay back long-standing loans.

In Pokemon Card Swap, Israel Sends 10 Charizards to Palestine for 1 Magikarp

JERUSALEM -- Following last month's exchange of over 1000 Palestinian prisoners for Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit, Hamas and the nation of Israel have decided to accelerate negotiations for trading cards in the popular game series Pokemon, reaching a deal late last night.

HUPD Libyan Community Advisory

On October 20, 2011, a male dictator/graduate student was the victim of an armed murder near the Libyan town of Sirtre at approximately 3:30pm.  The victim stated he was approached by a militia of unknown Middle Eastern males as he was listening to his iPod.  One of the males pulled out an AK-47 and demanded that the victim hand over his laptop, wallet, and cell phone.  After capture, the militia proceeded to bludgeon the victim to death.  The perpetrators then fled the scene.

WHO Gives Paris Hilton Head

NEW YORK -- Hoping to attract young supporters and gain substantial press coverage, the World Health Organization announced this morning that socialite Paris Hilton will replace Dr. Margaret Chan as the specialized agency's Director-General.

"Though we are deeply saddened by Dr. Chan's departure, we unanimously agree that the heiress, actress, singer, model, and designer that is Paris Hilton will warmly fill our eager holes."

Sudan Replaces Genocide with Merited Killings

At his most recent press conference, Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has announced that the genocide in Sudan has ended. Seeing the genocide overshadowed by such recent events as the election of Barack Obama, the economic crisis, and St. Patrick's Day, Dr. al-Bashir has decided that it is time for a change. Under the new lex legis, Sudan will opt to kill people only based on merit.

Gutenberg Invents Printing Press

In what will probably go down in the history books as one of man's greatest inventions, Johannes Gutenberg has discovered a way to produce ammonia from hydrogen and nitrogen at the industrial level. In lesser news, he has also found a way to automate the writing process. With the two inventions, many predict he will revolutionize the fertilizer industry, causing a boom in farming and negating any diseases that may be sweeping over continent. This will allow Europe to become the central world power for the rest of human history.

Recession Spares Africa

Despite the downward trending global economy, recent economic studies in Africa suggest that the continent is unaffected by the worldwide recession. The economies of several African nations might even be showing signs of growth.

Studies Show Positive Correlation Between Red Bull and Wings

Researchers in Austria have recently released the results of an extensive Red Bull study. Eighty-seven of one hundred subjects developed wing-like appendages, while all subjects exhibited an unnatural urge to urinate every twenty minutes.
The researchers asserted that they wanted to get to the center of Red Bull's claim of giving consumers wings. "We are merely testing the reliability of the product," said principal investigator Franz Isidor as he dropped a shot of Jagermeister into test subject 42's Red Bull.

U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind

WASHINGTON, DC -- After an independent study revealed that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it's actually called, the United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to "make up its goddamned mind."

Lump In Shroud Of Turin "Just A Pack Of Smokes"

TURIN, Italy -- Earlier this week, Roman archaeologists announced the discovery of a pack of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of the Shroud of Turin.

"What we thought was the Gospel according to Jesus is, actually, just a pack of smokes," said archaeologist Claude Rousseau.