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Drew Faust Announces...Wait, I'm Better Than Writing About Final Clubs, Right?

ALEPPO, SYRIA–-Two days ago, Islamist rebels seized the village of Khan Touman, which resulted in 73 deaths and violated the ceasefire in the city of Aleppo recently brokered by the United States and Russia. The battle subsided merely a few hours before the President of Harvard University, Drew Gilpin Faust, issued a statement citing consequences for students participating in unrecognized single-gender social organizations on campus. Wait...no, that's not right.
 

You Know What, I Worked Hard On This

Listen up assholes, and listen good. Over the past year we have heard your complaints about final clubs, social spaces, and exclusivity on campus. Yesterday we finally took action and decided to sanction members of single-gender organizations like private final clubs, fraternities, and sororities. Yet many of you insist that we have overstepped our bounds by violating the freedom of association and unfairly punishing all-female organizations. Oh, so now you like exclusivity? What, Harvard isn't exclusive enough for you shits? I worked hard on this, and I deserve some appreciation.

Privileged White Dude Accepted to Class of 2020 Seriously Reconsidering Gap Year Plans

GREENWICH, CT--Having just completed his transaction to purchase an expensive trip to Uganda, Harvard College Class of 2020 admit Kennedy Marcus is now seriously reconsidering his decision to take a gap year. 

Final Club Members Finally Learn What Exclusion Feels Like

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After University President Drew Gilpin Faust announced today that future members of unrecognized single-gender social organizations would be ineligible for sports team and student organization leadership positions, as well as postgraduate fellowships requiring a College endorsement, final club members suddenly realized what exclusion feels like.

“Huh,” said Owl Club member Richard I. Wadsworth ’17, scratching his head. “That’s odd. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.”

Final Clubs Sanctions Eliminate Sexual Assault, All Other Campus Woes

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sexual assault, every form of race-, class-, and gender-based discrimination, and all other campus woes were completely canceled this Friday morning as Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana issued sanctions against single-sex organizations with the support of President Drew Faust.

Mumps Quarantine Now Most Exclusive Social Space on Campus

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– From the ashes of the embattled single-gender final clubs, a new social space has risen like an even more exclusive Phoenix. The Inn has emerged as the most elite social space in Harvard history, home to the 0.007 percent: those students isolated to prevent the spread of mumps.

From the Archives: Porcellian Club Condemns Harvard College Efforts to Admit Landless Males Lacking Proper Lineage

On this here day in the Year of our Lord MDCCXCI, the denizens of the Porcellian Club have expressed Outrage and Gall at the recent decision of our honourable President Joseph Willard to admit non-landholding white males into the Halls of Learning.

Community Garden Bales on Farmal

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Due to amaizeingly high interest and lack of space, the Harvard Community Garden has decided to bale on Farmal. “It was a chard decision,” said event organizer Brock Lee '17. 

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