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Harvard Girls Enjoy Dating Comp

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.

Harvard Basketball “Totally Fucked,” Says Coach

CAMBRIDGE, MA - The recent withdrawal of basketball co-captain and last season’s lead scorer Kyle Casey and the expected departure of co-captain Brandyn Curry have left many wondering about the future of the Harvard men’s basketball team. 

“Yeah, we’re totally fucked,” said coach Tommy Amaker. “I’m basically starting a bunch of gawky nerds and hoping for the best.”

Occupy Lamont Protests End, Thousands Dead

CAMBRYDGE, MA -- Harvard Yard was riddled with trenches on Wednesday as the grieving Harvard community banded together to bury its dead after the Occupy Lamont protests degenerated into an apocalyptic bloodletting, which chroniclers and scribes are already referring to as “The Battle of Lamont.”

“This is a dark time for our University,” grunted President Drew Faust as she shoveled loose dirt into a mass grave. “This so-called Battle of Lamont has proved to be even bloodier than The Great Blocking Drama of ’95 and more difficult to clean up than Harvard’s 375th.”

Banana Ready to Get It On at HUDS Fruit Bar

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Several local fruits have expressed excitement about the fruit bar that reopened in Annenberg hall last Tuesday. A banana, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that he has plans to check it out with a bunch of his friends this coming weekend. “I’ll admit, I’m a little green about fruit culture, but my friends kept softening me up until I had to go.”

Hands Lost to Dyson Airblade

CAMBRIDGE, MA --  HUPD personnel are investigating the sudden removal of two hands belonging to sophomore Steven Quinn of Dunster House following an altercation with a Dyson Airblade last night. According to the authorities, Quinn, who had been attending class in the Science Center, entered the restroom in the building’s basement shortly after 6:00 pm. After using the facilities and washing his hands, he inserted them into the dryer, expecting to feel a moderate flow of warm air.

Harvard Community Garden Offers Summer Sharecropper Internship

Freshman Murdered After Telling Pretentious Gap Year Stories for the 826th Goddamn Time

Freshman David Humphreys has turned himself in to HUPD after confessing to the brutal murder of his roommate, Marcus Grey. Under interrogation Humphreys revealed that he had been pushed to insanity by Grey's constant repetition of the same five or six stories from his gap year in Spain.

"I just couldn't take it anymore.  I begged him not to retell the story about the magical sunrise he saw over the vineyards of Andalucia.  He just wouldn't listen."

Satire V Writer Injured in Tongue-Cheek Accident

Satire V staff writer Edward Huemeris was hospitalized last week when his attempt to write a witty article turned hazardous. According to his roommate, Roger McKinley, Huemeris was in the midst of formulating a sassy remark when he realized he was unable to retract his tongue from its position, lodged firmly in his right cheek.

"At first we thought it was just Eddy being Eddy, but then we realized from the panic in his eyes that he was actually physically unable to speak unironically. We barely got him help in time," said Mckinley to administrators at UHS.

Freshman Promises Roommate He Hasn't Thought About Blocking Yet

Stoughton resident Cal McKay '15 told his roommate Andy Martin '15 that, as of tonight, he "still hasn't really thought about blocking."

Though his internet browser has been left open each of the past three nights to web pages entitled "How to get into Eliot," "Instructions for the Freshman Lottery," and a Facebook thread entitled "blocking plans yo," McKay assured his roommate that the entire blocking process has yet to even cross his mind.

Facebook Goes Down for Maintenance, Students Forced to Listen

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Between 12:31p.m and 12:42p.m. today, Facebook briefly went offline for maintenance, forcing thousands of Harvard students to actually listen to their professors. There was general disarray as confused students panicked, several of them realizing that they had actually been attending the wrong class the entire semester. Scattered reports indicate that several professors of mathematics suffered mental breakdowns at the social pressure.