CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hot on the heels of its successful introduction of “less-meat Mondays,” Harvard University Dining Services announced yesterday that it will no longer serve food on Fridays.

“After realizing that we could easily remove meat, the most expensive component of our meals, we began to explore additional avenues of cost-cutting,” said HUDS spokesperson Crista Martin. “That led us to the idea of Foodless Fridays. By simply not providing food one day a week, we can cut one-seventh of our annual operating costs.”

The Green Ganja Group, Harvard’s premier stoner club, is taking comps to a new level by requiring prospective members to throw down at least one ounce in order to join. GGG realizes that this requirement might prevent some students from joining, but they hold there are many other opportunities for students to get involved, on and off campus.

CAMBRYDGE, MA -- Harvard Yard was riddled with trenches on Wednesday as the grieving Harvard community banded together to bury its dead after the Occupy Lamont protests degenerated into an apocalyptic bloodletting, which chroniclers and scribes are already referring to as “The Battle of Lamont.”

“This is a dark time for our University,” grunted President Drew Faust as she shoveled loose dirt into a mass grave. “This so-called Battle of Lamont has proved to be even bloodier than The Great Blocking Drama of ’95 and more difficult to clean up than Harvard’s 375th.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Several local fruits have expressed excitement about the fruit bar that reopened in Annenberg hall last Tuesday. A banana, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that he has plans to check it out with a bunch of his friends this coming weekend. “I’ll admit, I’m a little green about fruit culture, but my friends kept softening me up until I had to go.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA --  HUPD personnel are investigating the sudden removal of two hands belonging to sophomore Steven Quinn of Dunster House following an altercation with a Dyson Airblade last night. According to the authorities, Quinn, who had been attending class in the Science Center, entered the restroom in the building’s basement shortly after 6:00 pm. After using the facilities and washing his hands, he inserted them into the dryer, expecting to feel a moderate flow of warm air.