1. Try to bribe would-be muggers. Flash some serious cash.
2. Carry a mace. Not like a canister, like an iron ball with spikes.
3. Commit a felony. Get a police escort to the quad.*
4. Carry a concealed weapon. Fire at movement.
5. Stay on the lighted path. Once immersed in dim light, muggers lose element of surprise. Note: they still have the element of deadly weapons.
6. Don't get quaded.

For years it rained vagina on chemistry
professor Jeffrey Beach, but with recent grade inflation, his students no longer exchange sex for better grades.

"When I joined this faculty in the 80s, the Chemistry Department was legendary for its trade in sex-for-grades. On Day One, I went to my office,
flipped on the lights, and saw four naked people in the shape of a water molecule," explained Beach. "I wasn't sure if it was beautiful," he added, "but I was sure that it felt right."

As students trickled into the dining
halls yesterday afternoon, many felt a change in the atmosphere. Several students described a sort of energy that they normally felt on days reserved for quesadillas and Udon noodles. They soon discovered the cause of their expectant
nerves: steaming pots of brown rice.

Dismayed by reports questioning the drink's effectiveness, several students
have expressed their complete support for 'The Surge."

Unlike other energy drinks, The Surge packs just the right amount of caffeine and other extreme ingredients in an easy-to-hold can. Each can of The Surge comes with eighty milligrams of caffeine - enough to stun a small horse.

This fall, Harvard will see a sub­stantial
change to its normal recruiting season, as a number of street gangs begin
recruiting new members directly out of the senior class.

Following his recent breakup with Susan O'Neil '09 of Currier House, Harvard student Steve Mann has reportedly exhausted all possibilities for expansion on the Cambridge side of the Charles river. Mann has since commissioned a series of artists to detail plans for future expansion into Allston girls.