SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Harvard Admits Record-Low Zero Percent

In response to the
economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard
endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to
phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of
2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in
the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and
babysitting.

Student Attends Athletic Event

Chris Colman '10 crossed the Charles River, heading for the
recycling center. But when he accidentally entered Harvard Stadium, he found
himself surrounded by a whole different type of garbage.

"I was looking for a couch for my common room,"" remarked
Chris, "but I guess I made a wrong turn. It was a total accident." An "accident"
that has ignited a sense of purpose in over a dozen Harvard College athletic
teams and clubs.

25% of Student Body "Quits" at Year's End

A Harvard study has found that 25% of Harvard students quit
by year's end. Approximately 1600 students will quit school this year.

"Numbers don't lie," explained head researcher Stephan
Porter. "These quitters have no respect for something that has let them suckle
at the teat of learning for the past four years."

O'Reilly Not Factorable, Harvard Math Professor Concludes

In a newly discovered theorem, Harvard math professor Noam
Elkies has found that Bill O'Reilly, host of the widely respected Fox News
program The O'Reilly Factor, is not factorable.

HUPD Community Advisory: Dumbass Mugged

On Saturday, November 8th, 2008 a female student reported to the Cambridge Police Department that she was the victim of an unarmed robbery in the Cambridge Commons at approximately 1:00 AM.

The victim was walking alone, listening to an iPod, text messaging on a cellular phone, and counting her money, when a group of three unidentified males shoved the victim to the ground and proceeded to rob the victim of her phone, iPod, money, expensive boots, and multiple pieces of expensive jewelry she had been displaying prominently. The victim,

Pegasus Found in Thayer Utility Closet

Sources confirm that a mythical flying creature known as a "Pegasus" was found in the Thayer utility closet, next to the mop.

It would be the first time a Pegasus has been sighted in real life, except for that one time Gary dressed up at the local Dungeons & Dragons game and everyone was fooled.

The Pegasus appears to have been in the closet for days.

"I thought "" golly! What a fucked up horse," said Freshman Maintenance Operations employee and Pegasus discoverer

Eco-Rep Stabs Student with Broken Plastic Cup

CAMBRIDGE—Cabot House senior Allen Woods was sitting by himself enjoying some frozen yogurt from a plastic cup on Tuesday when the house’s eco-rep, Jenna Newman, charged him and with a wild, whooping battle-cry, tackled him to the ground. She then seized the cup of frozen yogurt and, after dumping its remaining contents on his face, crushed it to pieces and stabbed him in the chest with one of the plastic shards, screaming “NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE EARTH FEELS LIKE!”

Top HUPD Recommendations to Improve Safety

  1. Try to bribe would-be muggers. Flash some serious cash.
  2. Carry a mace. Not like a canister, like an iron ball with spikes.
  3. Commit a felony. Get a police escort to the quad.*
  4. Carry a concealed weapon. Fire at movement.
  5. Stay on the lighted path. Once immersed in dim light, muggers lose element of surprise. Note: they still have the element of deadly weapons.
  6. Don't get quaded.
* and by quad, we mean jail

Undersexed Professor Blames Grade Inflation

For years it rained vagina on chemistry
professor Jeffrey Beach, but with recent grade inflation, his students no longer exchange sex for better grades.

"When I joined this faculty in the 80s, the Chemistry Department was legendary for its trade in sex-for-grades. On Day One, I went to my office,
flipped on the lights, and saw four naked people in the shape of a water molecule," explained Beach. "I wasn't sure if it was beautiful," he added, "but I was sure that it felt right."

HUDS Boldly Adds Brown Rice To Dining Hall Menu

As students trickled into the dining
halls yesterday afternoon, many felt a change in the atmosphere. Several students described a sort of energy that they normally felt on days reserved for quesadillas and Udon noodles. They soon discovered the cause of their expectant
nerves: steaming pots of brown rice.

Pages