Freshman David Humphreys has turned himself in to HUPD after confessing to the brutal murder of his roommate, Marcus Grey. Under interrogation Humphreys revealed that he had been pushed to insanity by Grey's constant repetition of the same five or six stories from his gap year in Spain.

"I just couldn't take it anymore.  I begged him not to retell the story about the magical sunrise he saw over the vineyards of Andalucia.  He just wouldn't listen."

Satire V staff writer Edward Huemeris was hospitalized last week when his attempt to write a witty article turned hazardous. According to his roommate, Roger McKinley, Huemeris was in the midst of formulating a sassy remark when he realized he was unable to retract his tongue from its position, lodged firmly in his right cheek.

"At first we thought it was just Eddy being Eddy, but then we realized from the panic in his eyes that he was actually physically unable to speak unironically. We barely got him help in time," said Mckinley to administrators at UHS.

Stoughton resident Cal McKay '15 told his roommate Andy Martin '15 that, as of tonight, he "still hasn't really thought about blocking."

Though his internet browser has been left open each of the past three nights to web pages entitled "How to get into Eliot," "Instructions for the Freshman Lottery," and a Facebook thread entitled "blocking plans yo," McKay assured his roommate that the entire blocking process has yet to even cross his mind.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Between 12:31p.m and 12:42p.m. today, Facebook briefly went offline for maintenance, forcing thousands of Harvard students to actually listen to their professors. There was general disarray as confused students panicked, several of them realizing that they had actually been attending the wrong class the entire semester. Scattered reports indicate that several professors of mathematics suffered mental breakdowns at the social pressure.

At a recent open house, Dean Thomas Dingman put many freshmen's concerns to rest, announcing, "Tommy-D totally knows a guy who can get you some weed." The self-proclaimed Dean of Fresh went on to tell the students that he had "a very intimate, personal, close relationship with a really fresh bro who could totally hook you up."

"He grows it all himself, locally too. In fact, he keeps his plants extremely close to, if not exactly where my house is. All you need to do is ask," said Dingman.

A spokesperson for Harvard University offered an official apology in light of the media fallout following the College's decision to change the name of "Advising Fortnight" to "Concentration Camp."

The apology noted that the change was in "poor taste," as were the t-shirts distributed to approximately 1600 freshman that read "I Survived the Concentration Camp."

CAMBRIDGE -- Despite warnings from MIT physicists, Harvard University Dining Services announced in a press release that they will continue to experiment with fusion research. The announcement was met with wide disapproval and student protests. As MIT senior lecturer Jonathan Goldsheim put it, "You can't combine that many incompatible flavors without something bad happening."

>CAMBRIDGE -- Erick Durant, a freshman in Wigglesworth Hall, was unable to finish a load of laundry Sunday evening due to an unforeseen encounter with a dryer full of female undergarments.

At approximately 6pm, Durant entered the basement to move his clothes from a washing machine to\ one of the dryers, where he discovered that the only machine not currently spinning was full of knickers, panties, thongs, and bras of the push-up, demi-, and strapless varieties.

CAMBRIDGE - Police raided the Widener library stacks Thursday after a student was caught attempting to smuggle roughly 500 grams of cocaine in his backpack, along with an unauthorized copy of Pride and Prejudice.

The security officer on duty notified police when he realized the book in question had not been properly stamped by library staff, requesting SWAT assistance in order to deal with the incident.

CAMBRIDGE - Hanging up his phone and flashing a grin to reporters assembled outside his office, the Dean of Freshmen announced, "Boys, Tom Dingman is totally getting a stripper for the 375th."

The announcement ended weeks of speculation over what Dingman would do in celebration of Harvard's terquasquicentennial, putting to rest the rumor that Dingman was going to take a breather following his now-legendary class of 2015 convocation after-party

"Come on, boys, it's the 375th," Dingman said. "This is big-time."