Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--On Wednesday, Annenberg employee Ron Stig put his swallowing skills to the test while manning line three. Harvard’s culinary world would never be the same again.

Stig reportedly inhaled an entire spoonful of cinnamon after receiving a challenge from a student. He then almost choked and spit it out onto the student’s plate of oatmeal.
“When I spit, the oatmeal was covered with the spice. It looked a lot like the mixed rice dishes we serve sometimes. That’s when it hit me—we should serve this,” recalled Stig.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Cuisinart, producer and distributor of the popular Veritaffle Maker, saw a disappointing showing at the recent release of its new Verilatke Maker. Cuisinart released the Verilatke Maker to the Harvard University Dining Service (HUDS) following four consecutive quarters of high sales of its popular Veritaffle Maker. Hoping to replicate the success of the appliance, which imprints Harvard’s iconic Veritas insignia into breakfast waffles, Cuisinart decided to foray into more diverse foods.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.