CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A Harvard sophomore has reached enlightenment. Aaron Goldblatt, '15, was first introduced to the core beliefs of Buddhism when he shopped Culture and Belief 25 at the beginning of the semester. "It was Professor Gyatso's lecture that really got me thinking," remembers Goldblatt. "We're all just, like, a part of the infinite, you know?"

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hot on the heels of its successful introduction of “less-meat Mondays,” Harvard University Dining Services announced yesterday that it will no longer serve food on Fridays.

“After realizing that we could easily remove meat, the most expensive component of our meals, we began to explore additional avenues of cost-cutting,” said HUDS spokesperson Crista Martin. “That led us to the idea of Foodless Fridays. By simply not providing food one day a week, we can cut one-seventh of our annual operating costs.”

The Green Ganja Group, Harvard’s premier stoner club, is taking comps to a new level by requiring prospective members to throw down at least one ounce in order to join. GGG realizes that this requirement might prevent some students from joining, but they hold there are many other opportunities for students to get involved, on and off campus.

CAMBRYDGE, MA -- Harvard Yard was riddled with trenches on Wednesday as the grieving Harvard community banded together to bury its dead after the Occupy Lamont protests degenerated into an apocalyptic bloodletting, which chroniclers and scribes are already referring to as “The Battle of Lamont.”

“This is a dark time for our University,” grunted President Drew Faust as she shoveled loose dirt into a mass grave. “This so-called Battle of Lamont has proved to be even bloodier than The Great Blocking Drama of ’95 and more difficult to clean up than Harvard’s 375th.”