On Tuesday, Harvard ecologist Daniel Beterman completed a five-year study mapping the migration patterns of the string fencing in the yard. The study yielded some incredible findings.

“Using aerial camera technology, we found that the yard links form the shape of a large middle finger that, as the seasons progress, points at different freshman dorms,” said Beterman.

 “Freshmen are often frustrated because the shifts in the link patterns disrupt their walking routes. So, we don’t think this offensive pattern is a random occurrence.”

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--On Wednesday, Annenberg employee Ron Stig put his swallowing skills to the test while manning line three. Harvard’s culinary world would never be the same again.

Stig reportedly inhaled an entire spoonful of cinnamon after receiving a challenge from a student. He then almost choked and spit it out onto the student’s plate of oatmeal.
“When I spit, the oatmeal was covered with the spice. It looked a lot like the mixed rice dishes we serve sometimes. That’s when it hit me—we should serve this,” recalled Stig.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season.