CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In what was considered Satire V's biggest celebrity catch to date, rap artist Afroman agreed to host a roundtable regarding the legalization of marijuana. Subsequent to the agreement, however, Satire V suffered its biggest celebrity loss when Afroman elected to get high instead of come to Harvard. "We should have expected this," said astute freshman Jeremy Patashnik. "I heard a story about how one time he was going to go to class. But then he got high." Patashnik continued in disbelief, "He could have cheated and passed, but he got high. It just doesn't make sense."

Following Freeze Magazine's Mr. Harvard Freshman contest, the publication set out to find Mr. Harvard Douche, the Harvard undergrad who best exemplified the traits consistent with douchebaggery. The magazine staff conducted painstakingly long one-on-one interviews with all of the candidates, who were considered to be douches for various reasons, including disinterest in hooking up with members of Freeze's staff.

In response to the
economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard
endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to
phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of
2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in
the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and
babysitting.

Chris Colman '10 crossed the Charles River, heading for the
recycling center. But when he accidentally entered Harvard Stadium, he found
himself surrounded by a whole different type of garbage.

"I was looking for a couch for my common room,"" remarked
Chris, "but I guess I made a wrong turn. It was a total accident." An "accident"
that has ignited a sense of purpose in over a dozen Harvard College athletic
teams and clubs.

A Harvard study has found that 25% of Harvard students quit
by year's end. Approximately 1600 students will quit school this year.

"Numbers don't lie," explained head researcher Stephan
Porter. "These quitters have no respect for something that has let them suckle
at the teat of learning for the past four years."

In a newly discovered theorem, Harvard math professor Noam
Elkies has found that Bill O'Reilly, host of the widely respected Fox News
program The O'Reilly Factor, is not factorable.

CAMBRIDGE—Cabot House senior Allen Woods was sitting by himself enjoying some frozen yogurt from a plastic cup on Tuesday when the house’s eco-rep, Jenna Newman, charged him and with a wild, whooping battle-cry, tackled him to the ground. She then seized the cup of frozen yogurt and, after dumping its remaining contents on his face, crushed it to pieces and stabbed him in the chest with one of the plastic shards, screaming “NOW YOU KNOW WHAT THE EARTH FEELS LIKE!”