and entering


Dean Dingman Totally Knows a Guy Who Can Get You Some Weed

At a recent open house, Dean Thomas Dingman put many freshmen's concerns to rest, announcing, "Tommy-D totally knows a guy who can get you some weed." The self-proclaimed Dean of Fresh went on to tell the students that he had "a very intimate, personal, close relationship with a really fresh bro who could totally hook you up."

"He grows it all himself, locally too. In fact, he keeps his plants extremely close to, if not exactly where my house is. All you need to do is ask," said Dingman.

Harvard Apologizes After "Advising Fortnight" Renamed "Concentration Camp"

A spokesperson for Harvard University offered an official apology in light of the media fallout following the College's decision to change the name of "Advising Fortnight" to "Concentration Camp."

The apology noted that the change was in "poor taste," as were the t-shirts distributed to approximately 1600 freshman that read "I Survived the Concentration Camp."

HUDS Fusion Causes Meltdown

CAMBRIDGE -- Despite warnings from MIT physicists, Harvard University Dining Services announced in a press release that they will continue to experiment with fusion research. The announcement was met with wide disapproval and student protests. As MIT senior lecturer Jonathan Goldsheim put it, "You can't combine that many incompatible flavors without something bad happening."

Student Unable to Remove Female Delicates From Dryer

>CAMBRIDGE -- Erick Durant, a freshman in Wigglesworth Hall, was unable to finish a load of laundry Sunday evening due to an unforeseen encounter with a dryer full of female undergarments.

At approximately 6pm, Durant entered the basement to move his clothes from a washing machine to\ one of the dryers, where he discovered that the only machine not currently spinning was full of knickers, panties, thongs, and bras of the push-up, demi-, and strapless varieties.

Library Bag Checks Uncover Widener Drug Ring

CAMBRIDGE - Police raided the Widener library stacks Thursday after a student was caught attempting to smuggle roughly 500 grams of cocaine in his backpack, along with an unauthorized copy of Pride and Prejudice.

The security officer on duty notified police when he realized the book in question had not been properly stamped by library staff, requesting SWAT assistance in order to deal with the incident.

Dean Dingman Totally Getting a Stripper for 375th Anniversary Celebration

CAMBRIDGE - Hanging up his phone and flashing a grin to reporters assembled outside his office, the Dean of Freshmen announced, "Boys, Tom Dingman is totally getting a stripper for the 375th."

The announcement ended weeks of speculation over what Dingman would do in celebration of Harvard's terquasquicentennial, putting to rest the rumor that Dingman was going to take a breather following his now-legendary class of 2015 convocation after-party

"Come on, boys, it's the 375th," Dingman said. "This is big-time."

Ec 10 Professor Delivers Ec 10 Lecture

Numerous sources have confirmed that Harvard Economics Professor N. Gregory Mankiw was seen giving a lecture last Friday in Economics 10, the class he allegedly teaches. Professor Mankiw was last seen lecturing during Shopping Period, a week designed to give students an idea of what classes are like.

Harvard "Hotness" Affirmative Action Program Draws Protest

Harvard students gathered outside University Hall yesterday to protest the news that the Harvard College Office of admissions has been using an affirmative action program that favors better looking female applicants.

In a press release last week, Dean of Admissions William Fitzsimmons confirmed that Harvard College had indeed been taking female applicants' attractiveness into account.

Harvard Student Receives B-

Though GPAs have shown a steady increase over the past ten years, students throughout Harvard University were thrown into shock over recent reports that Daniel Woods, a junior concentrating in Economics, received a B- in his econometrics class.

Study Finds 6 out of 5 Harvard Males Gay

A joint study conducted by a team of researchers at Dunster Happy Hour and a Party in New Quincy Thrown by That Guy Who Talks a Lot in Section has found that approximately 6 out of every 5 males at Harvard are homosexual.

Lead researcher Rachel Garcia said that these results only confirm what many in the Harvard social community had already expected."We had noticed an unusually high incidence of homosexuality on campus," Garcia explained, "so we wanted to run a controlled experiment to calculate a more precise 'gay rate.'"