As students trickled into the dining
halls yesterday afternoon, many felt a change in the atmosphere. Several students described a sort of energy that they normally felt on days reserved for quesadillas and Udon noodles. They soon discovered the cause of their expectant
nerves: steaming pots of brown rice.

Dismayed by reports questioning the drink's effectiveness, several students
have expressed their complete support for 'The Surge."

Unlike other energy drinks, The Surge packs just the right amount of caffeine and other extreme ingredients in an easy-to-hold can. Each can of The Surge comes with eighty milligrams of caffeine - enough to stun a small horse.

This fall, Harvard will see a sub­stantial
change to its normal recruiting season, as a number of street gangs begin
recruiting new members directly out of the senior class.

Following his recent breakup with Susan O'Neil '09 of Currier House, Harvard student Steve Mann has reportedly exhausted all possibilities for expansion on the Cambridge side of the Charles river. Mann has since commissioned a series of artists to detail plans for future expansion into Allston girls.