So you’re texting a guy. You want to come off as flirty but also low-key but also fun. Which emoji should you throw in? These emojis are guaranteed to make him say “Wait I don’t get it” all night long—because he hasn’t downloaded the new iOS yet and your emoji showed up as a question mark in a box.

1. The mother cradling her baby

PORTLAND, OR—In an act of #resistance that awed her friends and family, local hero Andrea Green liked Pete Souza’s photograph of former President Barack Obama on Instagram earlier this week.

Green reportedly gave the photo a quick double-tap after figuring out it was a biting criticism of President Donald Trump’s recent conduct. The photo showed Obama’s wide and friendly smile, which caused Green to make the astute point that Trump “doesn’t smile that much.”

BALTIMORE, MD--Numerous eyewitness accounts confirmed today that Joshua O'Mara, 27, who is apparently an ever-so-dignified man of the world with a palate refined beyond our wildest imaginations, ordered two different salsas on his burrito at Sonora Mexican Grill today.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A text message that Carl P. Thompson '19 sent to his old roommate yesterday night reportedly still packs quite an emotional punch despite the usage of the acronym “lol” at the end to soften its blow. Indeed, the “lol,” far from removing the sentence’s worrisome nature, may be contributing to it.

At 1:23 a.m., Thompson texted: "I haven't been eating or sleeping well and I don't think I've had a real good day since Sharon dumped me three years ago lol," as if he were somehow capable of laughing out loud in that moment.

AN OFFICE — Citing frustration with his workload, Samuel Steele, a paper clip in a local office building, is reportedly having difficulty holding it all together. Steele is trying to remain in good shape while simultaneously meeting the high expectations for his work performance to no avail.

“All I see every day is another giant stack of papers I have to deal with,” the clip complained. “I keep thinking, I’m too full for this sheet! But I can’t even make a dent in the paperwork."

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI — After another unfortunate incident of uncontrollable hemorrhaging from the ears while practicing, principal violist John Alberts of the Audubon Philharmonic passed away and was demoted to third chair of the section. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend.