LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Sources have confirmed that the spider currently residing in the 2nd floor hallway of Matthews is actually quite frightening. Measuring in at over half an inch long and a quarter of an inch wide, the spider has been spooking students since early last week.

BROOKLYN - Last night, the improv troupe Spontaneous Laughs Out of Literal Thin Air delivered a sidesplitting performance without missing a single meticulously-memorized line.

Despite ringleader Rachel Wagner’s deftly parroted spiel that “everything you are about to see is completely made up on the spot,” the shows’s dialogue, joke delivery, and exaggerated physical gags have remained untouched since the group’s formation in 1992.

TINDER – Reports are in that a local Tinder profile belonging to "Brian" seems really into outdoor activities like traveling, hiking, and camping. In addition to his first two pictures being of him at a national park, the third one is a picture of him sitting on some rock or something. Altogether these photos paint an undeniably outdoorsy picture of Brian.

MORRISTOWN, NJ – As he approached his final destination, accountant and Ferdinand Magellan for our times Josh Robertson confidently disabled his GPS. “I know where to go from here,” Robertson declared to the other passengers, including his wife Jennifer and two kids.

Steering a beige 2005 Toyota Corolla southbound down the New Jersey Turnpike, Robertson astutely detected the exit for route 287, a highway that he regularly traverses. Taking stock of his surroundings, Robertson unplugged his GPS. “Do you want to shut down?” read the GPS display. “Yes,” said Robertson aloud.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Basking in a love more profound than he had previously thought possible, area man Dennis Gilmore has reportedly never been more content than when peeing next to his dog, Doug. Sources say that Doug can regularly be spotted urinating on various lawns and shrubbery with Gilmore doing the same by his side.

“Doug and I are so on the same wavelength,” Gilmore said. “We do everything together - including taking care of our basic needs.”