SAINT PAUL, MN – In the hopes of reducing the spread of COVID-19, households across the country have been hunkering down at home. As a result, tensions between roommates, couples, and families have been on the rise as they rediscover every reason they hate the people they live with. The Sherman family of Saint Paul, Minnesota, initially struggled with their sudden proximity until they realized that offsetting their sleep schedules would allow them to avoid each other as much as possible.

Our community is deeply saddened to announce that the String in the hoodie that local teen, Craig Arnold, has been wearing for but hardly a year, slipped away violently in Arnold’s sleep while in the washing machine this Thursday evening. The String is survived by its longtime partner, the soft pink Hotline Bling Hoodie, whose loving devotion can best be understood in its ability to always provide a dark, extensive expanse for the String to insert itself into; certainly all that one can hope for in a lover.

MILWAUKEE, WI – After spending hours scrolling through Pinterest to find fun weekday breakfast ideas for her kids, Deborah McIntyre thought she stumbled upon what she had long been searching for – the perfect overnight oats recipe. The oats, from Sweet Mama Bakes, looked like everything McIntyre had ever wanted in a breakfast food; they were the perfect shade of beige, looked to be the ideal consistency of incredibly dense but also entirely liquid, and fit perfectly inside a mason jar.

BOSTON SUBURBS - William Conrad has just released the first episode of his new podcast, “Can You Hear Me?” this past Monday.

SMALLTOWN, USA — Though Americans remain self-isolated in their homes, nothing can stop many young singles from continuing to swipe through dating apps like Tinder with the false hope of scheduling some post-quarantine meet-ups. 22-year-old John Smith is one such eligible bachelor, but his misleading Tinder profile has caused quite a stir in his local community. His bio “I’m funny, interesting, and always down for a good time” garnered him a lot of matches, but shocking recent reports have confirmed that he is in fact “drier than the Sahara Desert.

Cambridge, MA—Lead researchers at MGH have recently published a paper proposing that all diseases - and they really mean all diseases - can be mysteriously and completely cured when one of the patient’s arms is significantly elongated. Specifically, they claim elongation of 3-5 inches can cure common ailments like bruises, strep, and relationship dissatisfaction; 6-12 inches can cure many serious cancers and STDs; 12+ inches can help those who are underweight.

Two time Academy Award winner Frances McDormand, known for her roles in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and the determined Police Chief Marge Gunderson in Fargo, was found Friday evening standing promptly outside your sub-par beige suburban ranch with a Glock 17.

Reached for comment, your disappointed wife gave us a detailed account of the incident.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Earlier this week, an international team of biologists announced the discovery of a second Curious George Store deep in the Amazon rainforest. Conservationists around the world cheered the announcement, expressing renewed optimism that the nearly-extinct species may be saved.

“For the past decade, the Curious George Store in Harvard Square was thought to be the World’s Only^TM,” said Diane Winter, a Professor of Zoology and Cartoon Primatology at Harvard. “That’s why this announcement is so bananas.”

SPRINGFIELD, MA - Witnesses at local-favorite Sweet Cakes Bakery reported being startled while standing in line in front of the cupcake display when customer Carys Jones began hungrily shaking her head in the direction of both the decadent cakes and the succulent tin menu board above it. Eye witness Martha Hannery of Southwick reported: “My son stood behind me and asked me what the strange lady wanted. I couldn’t say, I was scared too. Then she just turned her head, stared into my poor little boy’s soul and bellowed, ‘I DON’T KNOOOOW!”