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Area Woman Wishes Blogger Would Skip the Sob Story and Just Give Her the Recipe for Overnight Oats

A bowl of overnight oats.

MILWAUKEE, WI – After spending hours scrolling through Pinterest to find fun weekday breakfast ideas for her kids, Deborah McIntyre thought she stumbled upon what she had long been searching for – the perfect overnight oats recipe. The oats, from Sweet Mama Bakes, looked like everything McIntyre had ever wanted in a breakfast food; they were the perfect shade of beige, looked to be the ideal consistency of incredibly dense but also entirely liquid, and fit perfectly inside a mason jar.

Area Man Starts Podcast Instead of Going to Therapy

BOSTON SUBURBS - William Conrad has just released the first episode of his new podcast, “Can You Hear Me?” this past Monday.

Unbelievable: Area Tinder Guy Who’s “Always Down for a Good Time” is Actually Kinda Dull

 

SMALLTOWN, USA — Though Americans remain self-isolated in their homes, nothing can stop many young singles from continuing to swipe through dating apps like Tinder with the false hope of scheduling some post-quarantine meet-ups. 22-year-old John Smith is one such eligible bachelor, but his misleading Tinder profile has caused quite a stir in his local community. His bio “I’m funny, interesting, and always down for a good time” garnered him a lot of matches, but shocking recent reports have confirmed that he is in fact “drier than the Sahara Desert.

MGH Research Proposes New “Cure All”: Having a Really Long Arm

Cambridge, MA—Lead researchers at MGH have recently published a paper proposing that all diseases - and they really mean all diseases - can be mysteriously and completely cured when one of the patient’s arms is significantly elongated. Specifically, they claim elongation of 3-5 inches can cure common ailments like bruises, strep, and relationship dissatisfaction; 6-12 inches can cure many serious cancers and STDs; 12+ inches can help those who are underweight.

Learned Mystic Counsels Pupil to Stick with Sitcom Through Weak Season


ANN ARBOR, MI--Instructing his wavering tutee that "no, dude, it totally picked up again once Dan Harmon came back," local graduate student Cameron Schechter, 26, Patron Saint of the Single Camera and Apostle of Comedy Night Done Right, today encouraged his friend Aaron Mitchell, 25, to continue binging the sitcom Community even though, "yeah, Season 4 kinda blows."
 

Frances McDormand Knows What You Did and Now She’s Outside Your House with a Gun

Two time Academy Award winner Frances McDormand, known for her roles in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and the determined Police Chief Marge Gunderson in Fargo, was found Friday evening standing promptly outside your sub-par beige suburban ranch with a Glock 17.

Reached for comment, your disappointed wife gave us a detailed account of the incident.

Win for Endangered Species: Second Curious George Store Discovered in the Amazon

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Earlier this week, an international team of biologists announced the discovery of a second Curious George Store deep in the Amazon rainforest. Conservationists around the world cheered the announcement, expressing renewed optimism that the nearly-extinct species may be saved.

“For the past decade, the Curious George Store in Harvard Square was thought to be the World’s OnlyTM,” said Diane Winter, a Professor of Zoology and Cartoon Primatology at Harvard. “That’s why this announcement is so bananas.”

Area Pastry Shop Customer Could Really Eat This Whole Store

SPRINGFIELD, MA - Witnesses at local-favorite Sweet Cakes Bakery reported being startled while standing in line in front of the cupcake display when customer Carys Jones began hungrily shaking her head in the direction of both the decadent cakes and the succulent tin menu board above it. Eye witness Martha Hannery of Southwick reported: “My son stood behind me and asked me what the strange lady wanted. I couldn’t say, I was scared too. Then she just turned her head, stared into my poor little boy’s soul and bellowed, ‘I DON’T KNOOOOW!”

QUIZ: You’re an Investment Firm Outside of Cambridge. Which Beloved Harvard Square Establishment Will You Ruthlessly Demolish Next?

Hello, partners at real estate investment firms that are headquartered far, far away from Cambridge, Massachusetts! Take this short quiz to determine which beloved Harvard Square institution you could replace without anyone noticing. 
 
1. Just how beloved is the Harvard Square establishment you are thinking of ruthlessly demolishing? 
A. Super beloved
B. Actually, not really

Whoa There: Area Woman Unleashes Her Inner Dominatrix by Gently Directing Partner in Bed

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Area woman Julianna Delaney shocked those around her by exposing her inner dominatrix last night when she gave her boyfriend, Jared Kogan, a few tips about how to better satisfy her sexually.
    Kogan reportedly balked at Delaney’s request that he “go a little slower, and put your hands on my back,” and ran out of her apartment. In a statement to the press, he expressed his surprise and dismay at his partner’s unmasked kinks, saying, “She should have told me if she’s looking for a sex slave. What’s next - she’s going to put me on a leash and whip me?”

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