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Construction Workers Insist Loudest Work Must Be Done at 7:30 am

Construction worker
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Construction workers who have been renovating Lowell House insisted Wednesday that all of their loudest work must take place at 7:30 am.
Gina Aldrich, a mason working on the project, said she chooses to perform the noisiest tasks at 7:30 because, "It's right in that sweet spot when you're still tired but you only have, like, 45 minutes until you have to get up."

NSA Agent Agrees That Your Last Text Sounded Desperate

WASHINGTON, DC—After a 13 hour shift of monitoring the personal data of millions of Americans, veteran NSA Agent, Donald Burkenheim agrees that you definitely shouldn’t have sent that double text.

Since the passage of the PATRIOT Act, Agent Burkenheim has been surveying citizens’ private communications as a counterintelligence effort to combat terrorist cells, but in his 16 years of service, he has not once seen a text as pathetic as the one that you just sent.

Woman Listening to Dua Lipa About to Fuck Shit Up

British pop singer dua lipa

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three minutes and 32 seconds of listening to music from English pop singer Dua Lipa, area woman Julia Bradley is about to fuck shit up. 

Area Mom Channels Suppressed Anger Toward Son into One-Star Yelp Reviews

Woman looking angry

SAN FRANCISCO—Recently, investigators have found that local mother Christine Berry, age 44, has found an effective outlet for her unrelenting anger toward her son, Devon—one-star Yelp reviews. While she previously struggled with her anger alone, the app has given her a healthy release valve, without which she probably would have given up already.

Area Taste-Tester Somehow Knows Packaged Chip Needs More Thiamin Mononitrate

PLANO, TX—On Wednesday afternoon, at Frito-Lay’s national headquarters, area taste-tester Carl L. Webber somehow knew that the packaged chip before him needed more thiamin mononitrate.

Sources familiar with Webber’s process say that Webber swirled the chip around in a glass, then paused thoughtfully, then allowed the aromas to waft towards him, then paused thoughtfully, then scribbled down, “Could really use some thiamin mononitrate.”

“It had notes of folic acid and a secondary aroma of maltodextrin,” Webber said. “But boy did that chip need thiamin mononitrate.”

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

Area Man Shields White Chocolate Mocha From Cruel World's Judging Eyes

EVANSTON, IL--Clutching the poor little cherub in his hands as he exited Starbucks, area man Matthew Chung shielded his venti white chocolate mocha with extra whipped cream from the harsh and malevolent glare of an unkind world.

REPORT: Spider in Hallway Very Scary

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Sources have confirmed that the spider currently residing in the 2nd floor hallway of Matthews is actually quite frightening. Measuring in at over half an inch long and a quarter of an inch wide, the spider has been spooking students since early last week.

After Months of Rehearsing, Improv Troupe Assures Audience That Nothing Is Scripted

Improv troupe

BROOKLYN - Last night, the improv troupe Spontaneous Laughs Out of Literal Thin Air delivered a sidesplitting performance without missing a single meticulously-memorized line.

Despite ringleader Rachel Wagner’s deftly parroted spiel that “everything you are about to see is completely made up on the spot,” the shows’s dialogue, joke delivery, and exaggerated physical gags have remained untouched since the group’s formation in 1992.

Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."