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Area Man Finally Thinks — Really Thinks — About Dinosaurs

A man thinks about dinosaurs
CLEVELAND, OH – Harold Daley, local Big Lots cashier, sat down on Friday to finally have a long, hard think about the beautiful behemoth reptilian kings who once roamed the Earth. Until now, Daley had somehow managed to live for 52 years without allocating a solid chunk of time to think about dinosaurs and nothing but dinosaurs.

Prior to Friday, Daley explained, “I’d seen the bones in museums, sure. But I never thought about how they were really here, skin and all. Wowee. Walking around, and doing stuff, right where I’m standing. Right at the Big Lots.”

“lol” Proves Incapable of Taking Edge Off Sentence All By Itself

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A text message that Carl P. Thompson '19 sent to his old roommate yesterday night reportedly still packs quite an emotional punch despite the usage of the acronym “lol” at the end to soften its blow. Indeed, the “lol,” far from removing the sentence’s worrisome nature, may be contributing to it.

At 1:23 a.m., Thompson texted: "I haven't been eating or sleeping well and I don't think I've had a real good day since Sharon dumped me three years ago lol," as if he were somehow capable of laughing out loud in that moment.

Area Paperclip Struggling to Hold it Together

Clippy, from Microsoft Word, bent-out-of-shape and with blood-shot eyes, next to a bottle and ash tray

AN OFFICE — Citing frustration with his workload, Samuel Steele, a paper clip in a local office building, is reportedly having difficulty holding it all together. Steele is trying to remain in good shape while simultaneously meeting the high expectations for his work performance to no avail.

“All I see every day is another giant stack of papers I have to deal with,” the clip complained. “I keep thinking, I’m too full for this sheet! But I can’t even make a dent in the paperwork."

Principal Violist of Local Orchestra Dies, Moved to Second Stand

An orchestra performing a concert

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI — After another unfortunate incident of uncontrollable hemorrhaging from the ears while practicing, principal violist John Alberts of the Audubon Philharmonic passed away and was demoted to third chair of the section. 

“It’s truly tragedy to demote the man, but there’s nothing else we can do,” said the conductor of the orchestra. “I need a principal who can lead the section in air-bowing Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite most effectively, and his current state kinda prevents that.”

This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

Complete Barbarian Promises to Download Venmo “Soon”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After having no means of paying for dinner with his linking group at Border Cafe last Tuesday, local Cro-Magnon Gerard Green '20 reportedly said that he would download Venmo in the very near future.

The uncultured student had apparently never heard of the peer-to-peer mobile payment service that allowed for the exchange of over $17 billion in 2016. "You poor thing. How can you live like this?" questioned blockmate Sarah Chao '20, upon learning that Green was living completely unaware of this modern amenity that nearly everyone else on campus had downloaded.

Area Man Pretty Sure Mirror Off by a Few Pounds

CLEVELAND, OH -- Furrowing his brow as he took stock of his reflection in the four-by-eight mirror hanging on his wall, area man Pat Gray determined that the reflection of his naked body was definitely a few pounds above his actual weight.

“Yep,” said the 27-year-old telemarketer, shaking his head. “A few pounds off.”

After licking his finger to scrub away at an imaginary blemish on the mirror’s laser-cut glass surface, Gray was reportedly still unsatisfied with his appearance.

Local Student Discovers Meaning of the Universe, Casually Forgets Seconds Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Late last night, sentient life reached an important milestone when, for the first time since time began, a thinking being discovered the true essence of the Universe. The being in question, Harvard sophomore Jordyn Lythgoe, then promptly forgot about it and resumed browsing Reddit.

Area Man Will Have What You’re Having

BEND, OR – After careful deliberation and an exhaustive review of every item on the menu, Earl Johnson, out to lunch with you at a local diner, will just have whatever it is you’re having.

Johnson, dressed in his best Hawaiian shirt and third-best pair of cargo shorts, was presented with the menu as you were seated and opened it with gusto. His confidence soon waned, however, as he discovered the mammoth extent of the pages’ contents.

White Uncle Convinced Nephew Just Hasn't Heard The Right Racist Joke Yet

BROOKLYN, NY — Reports are in that despite previous failed attempts to lighten the dinnertime mood with prior racist jokes, local uncle Everett Smith is convinced that the next joke will finally open his nephew Steve’s eyes to the world of making fun of disadvantaged minorities. Despite his nephew’s repeated gentle, yet firm affirmations that he finds these jokes distasteful and not very funny, Everett knows deep down that once he finds the right racist joke, it will open a world of joke prejudice to him he’s currently keeping tragically bottled up.